I find two general modes of how I operate.
I can find myself as space & awareness, within which the small self and its surroundings arise as objects in the present.
As space & awareness, I find myself as distinct from the world of phenomena and from identity. And at the same time, I find myself as what arises in the present, and this becomes my identity in the present.
The other mode is when I create an identity for myself. Instead of being capacity for the world, I see myself as an object within this capacity. I turn everything upside down – from being the space & awareness in which this small self appears as an object, I see myself as this small self within space.
From being space & awareness, distinct from identity, I contract down into an identity. I confuse myself for an object, in a wide world of objects. And Existence reminds me of my confusion through the suffering this creates for me.
When I in confusion reverse it all, I suddenly see myself as separate, as lonely, as a possible victim of other objects. I life from fear, anger, something to defend. And Existence gently and faithfully reminds me to take another look – to see the reversal – through suffering.