And still, something is definitely missing. Something is off. There is a sadness and a longing here that does not go away, and it has to do with my external situation.
What comes up for me is the image of an ant lost from the anthill and the wider community of ants. An ant can do all its ant things by itself, but it also seems a little meaningless. It only becomes a full ant in the context of the community.
And this is how it is for me as well. When I lived at the Zen community in Salt Lake City, I – for the first time – experienced that I was in the exactly right place. Even in the midst of all the typical challenges coming up in our human lives, I experienced clearly that nothing was missing. And when visiting Jes Bertelsen’s Vækstsenter in Denmark, there was the same experience.
Every fiber in me longs for that form of community, and the longer I resist it, the longer the sense of being an ant separated from the anthill persists. It is what nudges me to do what I most deeply want to do, what brings me the deepest satisfaction, joy and flowering.