When I look, who or what do I find myself to be?
I find space, and in it a procession of experiences – slight tension where the forehead and neck is, taste of peppery stew, music, room, words arising, formless awareness and so on. That is all I can find.
I also see that there is a slight tendency to see parts of this human self as an “I” – especially around the head/neck area. There is a sense of condensation in this area, which sometimes is taken as an “I”. There is 85-95 percent sense of all just happening as it is, with no “I”, and some percent of an “I” here. Although this changes with the situation as well.
This summer and fall, I had phases where the sense of no “I” was 100% and also where the groundless ground “popped”. During this time, there was absolutely no difference between sitting practice and daily life. It was all a continuous samadhi, although a completely functional one.
During a retreat (!) in November, this faded somewhat although is definitely there in the mid/background, and sometimes foreground as well.
Right now, there is just a sense of relaxing completely into what is, even if it means a slight sense of “I” – which vaporizes as soon as I look at it more closely. I know it is just another phase, another melting into what is, allowing it to simmer whatever it is.
I am also not doing much of any practice right now, apart from good eating, some physical outdoor activity (walking, hiking), daily self-breemas, and some reading and watching movies. I rarely do any Byron Katie inquiries, and rarely any of the Douglas Harding experiments. Sitting is sporadic at best. And it all feels completely OK. It is more a period of rest and integration.