In the interest of sincerity, I thought I would write something here about things I usually don’t write or talk about. There are several reasons for usually not bringing this up. One is that these are either some of the fruitions of particular practices, just a gift, and/or unique to anyone’s path. The other, and main reason, is that these things too often can become a hangup – if they receive too much attention or get talked about. And of course, it all seems pretty weird which does not do this any favors.
That said, here are some of them…
In the initial awakening in my teens, I saw everything as energy and consciousness. In my daily life, I saw everything as energy and also with an energy field around it – people, animals, plants and inanimate objects (although the quality of the energy is different for each of these). And as the awakening, this lasted and deepened for many years. The funny thing is that even during the fall from grace, I still saw everything as energy and consciousness – as God – but it gave no comfort whatsoever.
This summer, after the first deeksha, the volume of this seeing was amplified considerably. The weekend after I was at a retreat at the foot of Mt. Hood (near Portland), and in the dusk the first day I saw the trees and everything else very strongly as energy and consciousness. It was a relatively strong layer added to just the physical seeing. I went for a walk through the woods and it turned into a pitch dark moonless night, walking amongst tall and dense trees. Still, I could clearly see the energy-overlay of the path contrasting – in quality – with the energy-overlay of the underbrush at the sides of the path, and the trees. It was very easy to see the path winding in front of me, even in the absence of just about any physical light. Some weeks later, I read somewhere that the native americans apparently were quite familiar with this and used it regularly as a practical aid (don’t know if that is true, but it was an interesting synchronicity).
I have mentioned some of the instances of melting into what could be disturbing experiences, and how it all shifts and turns – often into a sense of fullness, coming home and tinged with bliss. There are other aspects of it that I have left out. For instance, some weeks ago at a workshop very strong experiences of being a failure and inadequate came up. It lasted throughout the evening and I experienced that it was at the edge of what I could bear. I laid down on the bed, melted into it, prayed sincerely and turned it all over to God. What followed was an experience of a large number of saints and awakened ones pouring into me and filling me completely, in a tremendous sense of love and bliss. Everything was openened, and there was no “I” in it anywhere.
During my initial awakening, I used Christian prayer and meditation techniques along with some Buddhist ones, especially the heart prayer and a Christ meditation/visualization. I experienced the Christ energy strongly and the profound love that is part of it (and also saw a “flame” at the top of my head in the mirror after these prayers/meditations, similar to what is described in the Acts). This fall, this has come back some, although still at a low level.
During my initial awakening and also now, there is a lot of empty light going on. During just about any sitting practice, everything becomes filled with empty light, and a few minutes into the sitting period everything often melts into and turns into light (I sit with eyes half open).
During my initial awakening, there was a tremendous amount of synchronicities. My days were filled with them, sometimes to the astonishment to those around me. This has come back some this fall, although also at a much lower level.
The previous ones are so familiar for me that they seem completely ordinary and unremarkable, to the point where I don’t pay much attention to it anymore. But there is something that I still hesitate to bring up because it doesn’t fit with my identity as a human self…! Which in itself is a good reason to bring it up as it can help me soften this limited identity.
The deeksha comes from two gurus from India, Bhagavan and Amma. I have never been into guru-devotion or anything of the like, but the deeksha obviously works and has been an immense blessing for me, so I do experience a deep gratefulness for what is behind them and for them as vehicles for it. Sometime following my first deeksha, before sleep, I decided to see how it would be to interact with them and they immediately came up in visualizations. This is just the ordinary form of visualizations, such as used in active imagination, and not anything beyond that. Still, the non-verbal interactions have been very interesting and a blessing in itself.
This first time, I saw them both walk towards me with joyous smiles and a deep sense of connection. They moved into my heart and a small basin of silver appeared there, filled with nectar. They bathed in this basin with childlike joy. This repeated itself for a few days each time I connected in this way, during my days and in the evening before falling asleep and in the morning upon waking. Then, there was a period where I saw them dead in the same basin, although I knew it was probably just part of the process (somewhat disturbing, but not overwhelmingly so). Some weeks ago, they would fly through me and break patterns open whenever I made this connection. This morning, Bhagavan held around my stomach area and did some healing there, and then melted into me and became me. My usual physical form became his physical form.
As I mentioned, this is all in the ordinary type of visualization, similar to dreams and active imagination. Not anything beyond that, although still deeply meaningful and a blessing.
Of course, this is all happening in the world of form. It is transitory as everything else, and nothing to get too caught up in. It is just the part of the process – much of it experienced in similar ways each time someone goes through it. And it is also unique each time as well, a unique contribution to the overall tapestry.