I notice how I create a Big Drama out of many situations, particularly around procrastination or things falling through the cracks. Over the last couple of weeks, many projects have fallen through the cracks – and I tell myself it is because the “bottom fell out” for me about a week and a half ago (profound fatigue, dryness, hollowness, sense of everything being space), the time and energy going into the housemate situation, and so on. I forgot to order books for a new discussion course, I didn’t finish a design project by the deadline, I didn’t send in my monthly hours for yet another project and so on. And for each of these, I watch them not being done, resist it, and create drama around it.
There is first the attachment to an image of “I”, then another image added to this of (wanting to be) responsible and responsive, actions unfold and they are seen as “I”, these actions are compared with the image of being responsible and responsive, there is a resistance to these actions (and possibly the image as well), and from all of this comes the appearance of high drama and suffering. And it is clear that it does not help the initial situation one bit. If anything, it just absorbs time and energy.
And yet, the reality of it is that these things turned out OK. The design deadline turned out to be a “soft” one so I can still get it in on time. The books showed up today well in time for the next meeting. It is not too late to send in the monthly hours.
And even if it was too late for all of this, even if it did cause inconvenience for myself and others, that is OK as well. I would just have to live with that, take care of the consequences, and be with that and everything it would bring up for myself and others. That too is OK. I can live with it.
And even the worst happened, even if it brought a great deal of pain and my own death, that too is OK. It is going to happen sometime. Again, I would just have to live – and die – with it, whatever the situation is in the present. It is OK. It is OK, even if there is a sense of it not being OK. I can be with that too. There is no other choice. Even if I try to escape, I still have to be with it. It just takes another form.
Things happen. That is the truth. Holding onto any ideas about it and comparing what is with these ideas only creates additional drama and suffering. It only reinforces the idea of “I”. It only clouds what is, through holding onto an idea of “I” and adding drama and suffering to the situation. Even just in terms of effective action, it is not all that helpful.
In this case, it is a lesson in seeing the attachment to an idea of “myself” as “responsible” and “responsive”. And in that seeing, there is already a form of release. There is already some space, some differentiation.
I also see the tendency to wanting to justify all this, to explain it, to give a good reason for it, to make it appear to have a useful purpose. But that too is an additional layer of abstractions, placed on top of what is. And that is OK too, whether it is seen or not.
It is possible to see that there is no purpose inherent in what is, no meaning, no resolution. What is is its own purpose, meaning and resolution. There is no need to add anything to it. And yet, it is also possible – and sometimes apparently useful – to add a layer of abstractions to it and find an apparent purpose, meaning and resolution.
We can say that clearly seeing, over and over again, that there is no “I” inherent in any segment of what is, does release us from blind attachments to ideas and abstractions. And this unveils the natural and inherent clarity, wisdom and compassion of what is. And this in turn is often expressed in actions which reflects – to some extent – this clarity, wisdom and compassion.
And this makes it all appear useful, meaningful, purposeful, valuable and everything else we may see as “good” and “desirable” when we believe in ideas. It justifies it in the eyes of all those who have not awakened to no “I”. It justifies it in the relative realm, when there is an added layer of abstractions – one particular layer of abstractions.