Dream

 

I am on a steamboat somewhere in South America. It is a cruise, and sometime within the last half century. I share cabin with four or five others, males and females, all of whom I know. I walked up on deck one night and saw the most beautiful sunrise – rolling hills in the distance, white clouds illuminated from behind by the sun, beautiful colors everywhere.

At one point, I fall asleep. In my sleep, I bring attention to the conglomerate of sensations, feelings, thoughts, attention and awareness in my throat area, and each time the sense of “I” dissolved and it is a free fall. I try to scream but is unable to since my body is sleeping. Then the sense of “I” come back to some extent, and this repeats itself several times. Bringing my attention to this conglomerate was unintentional, it just happened.

I don’t remember much about the first dream, apart of the atmosphere of comradeship, mystery, the sense of adventure, and the beauty of the landscape and the ocean. The second part of the dream is almost embarrassing as it is very similar to what I have been exploring in my waking life. What it may be telling me is the fear that comes up being on the verge of no “I”, a fear which is typically not acknowledged in my case. Although there is certainly a fear there. A fear for it all being too “cold” and impersonal, of being as one-sided as I see in some who have had a nondual awakening, a fear for the adventure to be over.

Maybe that is the connection between the two parts of the dream. What stood out in the first part is the sense of adventure, exploration and beauty. And there is a fear here for that being lost when there is an awakening to no “I”. This comes from it being portrayed as an “end” by some, although I consciously see it as just another phase, another end and beginning. There is something in me that really wants it to allow for exploration, adventure and mystery, and from those I know who have a mature awakening, that seems indeed to be included.

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I thought I had lost this initial post, so I rewrote it as seen below. A little fewer details, and a little more to the point.

I am on a steamboat somewhere in South America. It is a cruise, and sometime within the last half century. I share cabin with four or five friends, both female and male. One night, I walk up on deck and see the most beautiful sunrise. Rolling hills in the distance, white clouds illuminated from behind by the rising sun, beautiful colors everywhere. People are partying in the restaurant area, and some are also out here admiring the sunrise.

At some point, I fall asleep. The focus goes to the conglomerate of sensations, feelings, thoughts, attention and awareness in my throat area, and the sense of “I” dissolves. There is a free fall. I try to scream but cannot as I am asleep. This repeats itself several times.

The second half of the dream is almost embarrassing as it is exactly what I am exploring in my daily life right now. The dream may be telling me that there is more fear around it than I acknowledge. And this fear may have to do with the first part of the dream.

The steamboat journey has a sense of comradeship, adventure, mystery and beauty about it. And this is exactly what a part of me is afraid of loosing if there is an awakening to no “I”.

My conscious view is different, and I know people who have had this awakening and still seem to have a sense of passion and adventure, but something in me still fears it.

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