At one of our deeksha meetings, we paired up and took turns asking what do you not want me to see about you? Each one of us listing and describing qualities about ourselves we don’t appreciate, and don’t want to admit to others or even to ourselves.
Of course, in doing this, we see that we all harbor the same fears in this area. We all want to hide many of the same qualities from ourselves and others. And we all have these qualities as well. They are universally human. They come up in all of our lives. And in a shared culture, the ones we want to hide are largely the same.
Real qualities and just a phase
I notice that I see myself really as productive, clear, passionate, insightful and so on, all the qualities which where much more present before the more recent “dark night” phase. And all the qualities that come out more now – unproductive, confused, stuck and so on, are made into “just a phase”. I can acknowledge them to a certain extent, but only superficially.
The qualities my personality likes are seen as core qualities, and the ones my personality does not like as much are seen as peripheral and temporary.
And this is of course one big fat self-deception. Just one of many ways to keep what we don’t want to see and admit at bay.
I am really this, although I can admit to these other qualities to a certain extent – but only to a certain extent. It looks good, good enough, but is just another story to make ourselves look good.
Lack of empathy
During my awakening phase, there was a tremendous compassion for everyone – although it was a not quite grounded. It was universal and somewhat abstraction, although certainly heartfelt. But it did not extend to a natural empathy on a human level. I could feel compassion, and act and talk from that, but secretly I thought why don’t you just pull yourself together? It is easy…!
Deepening into it
And now, my task seems to be to bring all this into my human level more, to deepen into it. To really admit to myself and others my stuckness, confusion, lack of clarity, lack of passion, lack of productivity… And that all of these are as much “me” as all the other qualities. They are all part of being human. They all co-exist in me, as in everybody else. To really dig into it. See it. Feel it. Live it. Be it. Own it. Embrace it. Really make it “me”.
I made all the desirable qualities “me”, I lived those, I dug into those. And now it is time to do the same with all the “undesirable” qualities. It is just a part of the process. Part of deepening into being human. Maturing a little further. Joining humanity also in this, more fully, more completely, more deeply, more felt.
The only loss
The only loss in doing this is that of a certain limited self-image. Not much, really.
The process of digging into it looks fearsome – scary. It is unknown territory. Yet, when I enter it, it is also strangely familiar. It is nothing more than what has come up before, yet now more fully as “me”. I can more fully acknowledge it. And there is a great deal of relief in this, and a deepening sense of connection with myself, others and existence.