Inquiry: I need to know what will happen

 

Statement: I need to know what will happen (if I make this choice)

  1. Is it true?
    No. It feels true, but my mind says it obviously is not.
  2. Can I know for sure it is true?
    No. I also cannot know if it would be better to know.
  3. What happens when I believe it?
    • I get paralyzed: I need to make a decision, need to know what will happen if I make it, cannot know, so feel paralyzed. It is an inevitable outcome.
    • I hesitate. Put decisions off. Study the situation, sometimes beyond what is very helpful. Feel relief whenever I can put something off. (Especially the decisions I see as large and impactful.)
    • When did I first have that thought? Probably in my teens, when I realized I had to make independent choices about my life and the direction of my life.
    • What do I fear could happen if I didn’t have that thought? I fear I would just jump into decisions without exploring different likely outcomes and without gathering useful information.
  4. Who am I without the belief?
    • OK with decisions. I can still gather useful information, although free from compulsiveness. And I can explore different scenarios, focusing on the likely ones again free from compulsiveness.
    • There is a sense of curiosity, receptivity and possibilities. From feeling trapped and compulsive, there is a sense of a calm, grounded openness. From hesitation and doubt, a sense of relaxed confidence… a confidence that whatever happens is workable. Even if it leads to my death, which is among the worst case scenarios I can think of, that too is workable. Life goes on for the rest of the world. And nobody has failed in dying yet, as far as I know.
  5. Turnarounds.
    •  I don’t need to know what will happen. That is more true.
      • If it was somehow a requisite for life to know what will happen, we would either know or not exist. Life is set up so we don’t know. We can guess and explore different possibilities, but that is as far as it goes. Life is set up for us to jump without safety net.
      • Also, it makes it far more interesting this way. If we knew, where would the suspense be? What would spark our curiosity? It would take the edge off life. Not knowing, although nerve wracking at times, at least makes it more interesting.
      • I have done OK so far. There are decisions I sometimes regret, but that is part of being alive and human. It humanizes me.
    • What will happen needs to know me. That is a funny sentence. Maybe it needs to know I will be there, receptive, available, curious, engaged. That feels more true. Whatever happens, it needs me to be there, available and receptive. And that can only be if I am not absorbed into ideas of needing to know, when I don’t.
    • What will happen doesn’t need to know me. True too. It happens regardless. Life happens whether I am there or not. Whether I know or not. Whether I am receptive or not. Whether I, as this human self, am around or not. Life goes on just fine. Seeing that helps me get this in perspective: Even if I feel I need to know what may happen, it is only for my own sake. Only for me to feel more comfortable. Life has no need for it. There is a relief just in that.

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