Self-judgments as guide to underlying beliefs

 

I listened to an excellent phone seminar with Mona Grayson on freshening up your inquiry. (The full audio is available online.)

The main pointer that stood out for me is that self-judgments are really about something else. They are an reaction to another belief, usually about others or life. So in a practical sense, self-judgments are a great guide to one or more underlying beliefs.

Some ways to uncover these more primary beliefs is to take a specific self-judgment and ask, with sincerity… Why? Where is the proof? (With should/need statements.) So what? What is not OK about that? (With factual statements.) And also… Where does my mind go (about life/others) when I believe that thought? What do I fear would happen if I didn’t believe that thought?

Here is what I find when I look into some self-judgments…

  • I need to look good > I need others to approve of me, I need them to like me, it is not OK if others don’t like me, something terrible will happen if they don’t like me
  • I need to be healthy > It is not OK to be sick, I won’t function well if I am sick, it is not OK to not function well, I know what it means to function well, something terrible will happen if I don’t function well
  • I shouldn’t have said that > He will judge me, he will think I am stupid, it is not OK that he thinks I am stupid, something terrible will happen if others see me as stupid
  • I am a failure > It is possible to fail, others won’t like me if I fail, others should like me
  • I made a mistake > It is possible to make a mistake, something terrible will happen if I make a mistake
  • I shouldn’t feel fear > Fear is bad, discomfort is bad/wrong, I am a failure if I experience fear, I am a failure if I am uncomfortable, it is not OK to fail, others won’t like me if I fail
  • I shouldn’t feel dread > Dread is bad, I fail if I experience dread, dread means something terrible will happen, something terrible can happen
  • I shouldn’t be uncomfortable > Feeling uncomfortable is bad, feeling uncomfortable means something is wrong, feeling uncomfortable means something terrible will happen, something terrible can happen
  • I shouldn’t be confused > It is not OK to be confused, I won’t know what to do if I am confused, something terrible will happen if I am confused
  • I need to make more money > I won’t survive if I don’t have more money, my choices will be limited if I don’t have more money, I won’t be able to do what I want if I don’t have more money, it is not OK to not be able to do what I want, others will have more choices than I do

Initial outline…

  • self-judgments, about something else
    • a reaction to another belief, a belief about someone/thing else
    • a pointer to underlying beliefs, often about others or life
  • to find underlying beliefs
    • ask why, what is not OK about?
    • where does my mind go, what do I fear would happen if I didn’t have that belief?
  • what I find with some of my own self-judgments…
    • I need to look good > I need others to approve of me, I need them to like me
    • I should have said that > he will judge me, he will think I am stupid, it is not OK that he thinks I am stupid
    • I am a failure > It is possible to fail, others won’t like me if I fail, others should like me
    • I made a mistake > It is possible to make a mistake, something terrible will happen if I make a mistake
    • I shouldn’t feel fear > Fear is bad, discomfort is bad/wrong, I am a failure if I experience fear, I am a failure if I am uncomfortable, it is not OK to fail, others won’t like me if I fail
    • I shouldn’t feel dread > Dread is bad, I fail if I experience dread, dread means something terrible will happen
    • I shouldn’t be uncomfortable > being uncomfortable is bad, feeling uncomfortable means something is wrong, feeling uncomfortable means something terrible will happen
    • I shouldn’t be confused >

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