I am taking a body-symptom class with Arny Mindell, and had an interesting shift during our exercise period yesterday.
Here are some of the main points… (If you are not familiar with vector work, that part of it may not make much sense.)
I choose (semi) chronic fatigue as my body symptom. This is the disturber. (x)
The direction/vector for fatigue is to the S-SW. As I walk in that direction, I feel more fatigued and my body slumps. I continue to walk, and eventually come face down on the ground. There is no way I can get up. I just have to lie there. (Have to shift out of it to get up and continue the exercise.)
The direction of the part of me disturbed by the fatigue is to the west. This is the direction of ambition, doing, accomplishment. I used to be very identified with this, but it has worn off with time. There is also some anger here towards fatigue. (u)
The direction that embraces both is in between these two. (Big U.)
There is a significant shift even as I imagine walking in this direction. I feel a deep relaxation, in the midst of movement and doing. It comes from the heart, a deep sense of relaxation in the heart. A deep earthiness. A holding of it all. A wide embrace. There is a sadness here for not growing up in a family who could live from this deep earthy heartfelt wide embrace of anything. It is a sweet sadness, since that earthy heart is here now.
I go down on the ground, face down, my heart to earth heart. I stand up. I can move and live and do from and within this earth heart in my own chest, which is the same earth heart as in the earth.
It includes the deep relaxation within the fatigue with activity in the world. It is a deeply relaxed activity, within and as a earthy heart. (Again, difficult to put into words.)
I realize that what I have noticed over the last week has been a gradual shift into this. A deeply relaxed noticing of all as awakeness itself, and of all – all experience – as this deep relaxation. It is difficult to put into words. It is another shift in how the luminous blackness reveals itself. In how it wants to be lived through this life.