My energy level was drained yesterday due to a fuller-than-usual schedule. Normally, it restores during the late afternoon and the evening, as I relax, take a nap, and eat some good food, but not yesterday.
And I noticed a pattern that is quite familiar to me now: As the energy level goes down, deeper layers of beliefs and knots surface. Stories come up about how things are not as they should be, and certain emotions follows.
When I am awake and doing things, it is often not so noticeable. Attention is occupied elsewhere, and is usually not available to fuel the old beliefs that now and then surface. Laying in bed before falling asleep, these beliefs are more noticeable. Since I usually allow experience with kindness, bring attention to the sensations at the tip of the nose when I breathe, or pray when I am awake in bed, attention usually doesn’t fuel the stories then either. Usually, I write the beliefs down for inquiry the next day. And at times, if I don’t feel too sleepy or a belief is especially noticeable, I may get up and take it to inquiry there and then.
Yesterday, these undercurrents of old beliefs came mostly up in my dreams.
It is a good thing. It is one of the benefits of fatigue and exhaustion:
Beliefs and knots surface, so I can allow the emotions in simplicity and with kindness and compassion towards the emotions, myself, and anyone else experiencing something similar. (Which is just about all of us, at one time or another.) And I notice the beliefs, and perhaps underlying beliefs, take them to inquiry, and find what is more real and honest for me.
Here is one way to look at it: As my energy level goes down, so does my “defense” against the beliefs and their corresponding emotions.
And yet, that doesn’t quite feel right to me. It seems simpler to just say that with fatigue, beliefs tends to surface.
And they do so for many reasons.
Perhaps most importantly, when I have more energy and I feel good in general, it is easier to direct attention. So even if I notice beliefs surfacing, I can keep attention on whatever I am doing in daily life. I may, and usually do, write down the belief for later inquiry, and also consciously shift into allowing the emotions wholeheartedly and with kindness, but that is all.
When the energy level is lower, attention more easily goes to and fuels the beliefs.
Also, I may have beliefs about the fatigue itself and what it means, which brings those and related beliefs to the surface.
And my motivation may also go out the window. I don’t feel so good, so what the heck. I don’t care if I don’t do my usual “practices” and instead indulge in fueling beliefs.
So I feel exhausted and fatigued. I have beliefs about this, for instance that “I won’t get done what I need to get done”. Also, in my case, I have beliefs about how fatigue has impacted my life in the past. I can’t direct attention as well, so it goes on the inside of those stories, allowing them to spin off and unfold. And my motivation goes out the window, so I allow myself to indulge in fueling those beliefs.
There is nothing wrong in this, of course. It is all innocent and very understandable. It is even good, in some ways, since I get to see these beliefs more clearly, and feel their impact more from the inside.
And yet, I am grateful it doesn’t last too long, and that there is the possibility of allowing experience wholeheartedly, and finding more clarity around the stories.
Or, rather, notice that experience is already allowed, and finding what is already more honest for me than my initial beliefs.
- defenses crumbling
- deeper layers of beliefs/hangups surface
- invitation to see, feel, find love for – allow experience, inquire into beliefs
– fatigue, and defenses crumbling