Focus on the most basic desire

 

Here is a pointer from nonviolent communication (NVC) I find very helpful.

When I notice a wish, want, impulse or desire, I can ask myself what is the most simple and basic need behind it?

I prefer another variation of the question: What is my most basic desire behind it? It feels more true since there are no absolute needs*, and it feels more honest, alive, and juicy to call it a desire**.

In some situations, I find that the most basic desire is for connection with myself and others, and also life, reality, and God.

When I bring attention here, to my most basic desire, I see that this can take many different forms. It is not dependent on connections with particular people, and it is not dependent on that connection taking specific forms. I have preferences, and prefer it to happen a certain way, but I hold it lighter and it is negotiable.

At the first layer of preferences, I prefer this connection to be with a particular person. But as I realize this is coming from a more basic wish for connection, I can hold this lighter. I will work to make it happen, and may even put a great deal of energy into it, but if it – in spite of my effort – does not, it is not the end of the world.

At the next layer of preferences, I wish for this connection to happen in a particular way but this too is negotiable. It is an active negotiation between my preferences, those of others involved, and life circumstances in general.

A great sense of freedom and clarity can come from this.

My main desire is for a deepening connection with myself, others, life, and God. My preference, which I often decide to actively pursue, is for connection with a particular person. And if that happens, I will actively pursue my preferences for how this will look, and this too is negotiable.

I honor and make use of my natural and human needs, impulses, and likes and dislikes, and there is also the freedom to maneuver, to make it work in the world in a way that sparks my passion and yet limits or is free of the suffering that can happen when I pursue my desires.

* Are there any absolute needs? Do I have an absolute need for connection, food, water, even survival? No. I cannot find any absolute needs.

** When I call it a need, it is easier to go into victim mode. When I call it a desire, I take ownership of it, and it feels more honest, juicy, and alive.

……………..
……………..
……………..

  • focus on the basic need
    • focus on the basic wish, since there are no absolute needs (more honest)
    • for instance, wish for deeper connection
      • wish for deeper connection with self/others/world/God – the most basic wish
      • wish for deeper connection with a particular person – still a quite basic wish, although can get the same from another person
      • how it looks in the world – secondary, held a little lighter, negotiable – although do have preferences

………….

If it happens, I will explore if it can happen in a particular way, but this too is negotiable. There is more freedom around it.

………….

initial…..

Here is a pointer from nonviolent communication (NVC) I find very helpful.

When I notice a wish, want, impulse or desire, I can ask myself what is the most simple and basic need behind it?

Or perhaps more true, since there are no absolute needs, what is my most basic wish behind it?

In some situations, I find that the most basic wish is for connection with myself and others, and also life, reality, and God.

When I bring attention here, to my most basic wish, I see that this can take many different forms. It is not dependent on connections with particular people, and it is not dependent on that connection taking specific forms. I have preferences, and prefer it to happen a certain way, but I hold it lighter and it is negotiable.

At the first layer of preferences, I prefer this connection to be with a particular person. But as I realize this is coming from a more basic wish for connection, I can hold this lighter. I will work to make it happen, and may even put a great deal of energy into it, but if it – in spite of my effort – does not, it is not the end of the world.

At the next layer of preferences, I wish for this connection to happen in a particular way but this too is negotiable. It is an active negotiation between my preferences, those of others involved, and life circumstances in general.

A great sense of freedom and clarity can come from this.

My main wish is for a deepening connection with myself, others, life, and God. My preference, which I often decide to actively pursue, is for connection with a particular person. And if that happens, I will actively pursue my preferences for how this will look, and this too is negotiable.

I honor and make use of my natural and human needs, impulses, and likes and dislikes, and there is also the freedom to maneuver, to make it work in the world in a way that sparks my passion and yet limits or is free of the suffering that can happen when I pursue my desires.

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