Knot of loneliness

 

I woke up at 3am last night noticing a bottomless sense of loneliness. It was quite faint, but very clear. And in my imagination, it was very small, almost like a pin head, and infinite in its loneliness.

I brought attention to this sense of loneliness and stayed with it for a while. Being with it, with kindness.

It felt primeval. It seemed to go back to my earliest days, fueled by a basic sense of separation, of never quite connecting with myself, others, life as fully as what I sense is possible. Sometimes deepened by times in my life I experienced loss – of people, situations, or dreams and hopes. It felt like a point where all experience of loneliness is stored.

This primeval sense of loneliness comes from the equally primeval sense of separation, created when the story of I is identified with. Recognizing this is healing in itself, especially as the sense of separation softens and dissolves. And yet, it is good to explore this further. For instance through voice dialog.

How does P. relate to you? He usually does not notice or pay attention to me. He prefers to do other things. He distracts himself.

How does that make you feel? Even more lonely. Infinitely lonely.

What is your job? To produce that feeling of loneliness.

Does P. appreciate it? Usually not. He does sometimes, but most of the time he wishes I went away.

What do you need from him? I need his attention. His presence. I need to be seen, felt, loved. Held. I need compassion. Understanding. Warmth. And I need it over time.

What happens if you don’t get it? I will come up strongly at times, throwing him off balance.

What happens if you get what you need from him? I will be his support. An ally. I will allow him to experience and recognize that side of being human. I makes it possible for him to experience real empathy with others and their sense of loneliness. I offer him a more open and expanded landscape.

………………..
………………..
………………..

  • knot of loneliness
    • very small (almost a pin head), very lonely
    • voice dialog
      • he usually does not notice or pay attention to me
      • what I need from him: attention, to be seen and felt, held, kindness, compassion, warmth, over time
      • if don’t get: will come up strongly at times, throw him out of balance
      • if get it: a support, allow him to experience that side of being human, empathy with self/others, more open landscape
      • ….

……………..

initial draft….

I woke up at 3am last night noticing a bottomless sense of loneliness. It was quite faint, but very clear. And in my imagination, it was very small, almost like a pin head, and infinite in its loneliness.

I brought attention to this sense of loneliness and stayed with it for a while. Seeing it. Feeling it. Being with it. Allowing it. With kindness.

It felt primeval. Going back to my earliest days. Fueled by a sense of separation, of never quite connecting with myself, others, life as fully as what I sense is possible. Fueled by all the times in my life I experienced loss – of people, dreams, hopes. It seems to be the point where all experience of loneliness is stored, almost like a very dense neutron star. The only resolution is to recognize that separation and any sense of I and other is mind made, created through our imagination, and made to appear temporarily real. But even when that recognition is immediate and clear, it is not quite enough to heal this spot.

After a while, I entered into a dialog with it, shifting into its voice, view, and experience of the world.

How does P. relate to you? He usually don’t notice or pay attention to me. He prefers to do other things, including distracting himself.

How does that make you feel? Even more lonely. Infinitely lonely.

What is your job? To produce that feeling of loneliness.

Does P. appreciate it? Usually not. I think he does sometimes, but most of the time he wishes I went away.

What do you need from him? I need his attention. His presence. I need to be seen, felt, loved. Held. I need compassion. Understanding. Warmth. And I need it over time.

What happens if you don’t get it? I will come up strongly at times, throwing him off balance.

What happens if you get what you need from him? I will be his support. An ally. I will allow him to experience and recognize that side of being human. I makes it possible for him to experience real empathy with others and their sense of loneliness. I offer him a more open landscape.

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