Clear on stories and priorities in relationships

 

This is a theme that has come up in different ways recently…..

When I am clear on my priorities, my connections with others are much more simple.

I am clear that my basic desire is for connection, with myself, others, life, reality, God. This is primary.

I may then have desire for connection with a particular person. This is a preference, it may be strong or less strong, and it is – as any preference – negotiable.

And I may have desire for that connection to look a certain way. Again, this is a preference, and it is negotiable.

From this clarity comes peace, because I don’t experience myself as dependent on a particular type of connection with a particular person. I have preferences, and I will see if it can work out according to my preferences, but these are flexible and I am OK if it turns out another way.

For instance, the type of connection may look different from my preferences, but that’s OK. I am clear that my more primary preference is for a connection with that person. How it looks is secondary.

I may lose connection with someone I desired connection with, and that is also OK. My more primary desire is for connection with myself, others, life, truth and God. I still have my connection with myself. It may even deepen through this experience. I still have a connection with life, truth and God. And I still have connections with others. Losing this one connection may remind me how important all of these connections are to me, it may help me clarify my priorities, it may propel me to deepen the most important connections, and I may more activley seek our and nurture connections with others. It is all good.

Clarifying my desires in this way gives more clarity to my life and my relationships. And it also helps with neediness.

When I tell myself I need a particular type of connection with a particular person, I am confused and I set myself up for suffering.

If I have that connection with that person, I am afraid of losing it, and that fear will come between us. It will make it difficult to appreciate and experience the connection.

If I don’t have that connection with that person, I make myself miserable. I tell myself I need it but don’t have it, so I will try to escape the images and emotions that come up around it, or I will indulge in them. Either way, it is misery.

As soon as I am unclear on my priorities, I get caught up in neediness, and neediness is misery.

And when I clarify my needs and priorities and see and feel it through and through, I may be less caught up in neediness, and I also find that neediness is my friend. It is a reminder that I am confused, and an invitation for me to clarify my priorities.

………………..
………………..
………………..

– connection with myself, others, life, truth, god – available, so may as well be my primary desire
– connection with another person, often doable but not always, so is a good second
– a particular connection with another person, sometimes doable but certainly not always, so is a good third

………………..

  • clear on stories and priorities in relationships
    • desire connection – clear on priorities
      • with self, others, life, reality, god – primary
      • with a particular person, as a preference
      • in a particular way, as a preference
      • and in that order – preferences are negotiable
    • neediness
      • ……

………………..

Clarifying my desires in this way gives more clarity to my life and my relationships. And it also helps with neediness.

When I tell myself I need a particular type of connection with a particular person, I am confused and I set myself up for suffering.

If I have that connection with that person, I am afraid of losing it, and that fear will come between us. It will make it difficult to appreciate and experience the connection.

If I don’t have that connection with that person, I make myself miserable. I tell myself I need it but don’t have it, so I will try to escape the images and emotions that come up around it, or I will indulge in them. Either way, it is misery.

As soon as I am unclear on my priorities, I get caught up in neediness.

And when I clarify my needs and priorities and see and feel it through and through, I may be less caught up in neediness, and I also find that neediness is my friend. It is a reminder that I am confused, and an invitation for me to clarify my priorities.

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