Monday night, a bubble of neediness surfaced. It was surprisingly big, and it was released or dislodged by two specific situations.
Life always invites us to look at neediness. And in this period of my life, it seems that the invitation is especially clear.
When neediness was triggered this Monday, I related to it in several ways.
I called a couple of friends to talk about it.
I distracted myself a bit to take the edge off it. (The neediness was too fiery for this to work very well, but it did it’s job in taking the edge off it.)
I opened my heart to the neediness. Staying with it with kindness, as I would as a fearful animal or child. I noticed the fear behind it, and allowed and stayed with that fear.
I recognized the neediness and the emotions as energy. This makes them appear less personal, and easier to relate to. I also brought attention to the physical sensations, the physical aspect of my emotions, and out of (fueling) images triggering the sense of neediness.
I lied down and listened to and followed the prayer instructions on Adyashanti’s True Meditation. It was more difficult to follow compared to when I am more clear, but something shifted.
I found the more basic desire behind the neediness, and explored other ways to fulfill this desire. Some of my strategies to fulfill some of my desires (mainly for connection) had been thwarted. But there are other ways to meet these needs. And that’s OK. Life is showing me there are other ways. Recognizing this, there is a sense of going beneath the drama created by attachment to particular strategies and outcomes, and instead finding what is more true and real for me as a human being in the world, and there is a softening and more of a release out of the compulsions and shoulds.
I noticed that behind the neediness is a belief and a should. I need a person, a situation, I need something to happen.
I wrote down some of the beliefs behind my reaction and took them to inquiry. I allowed myself time to feel into the questions, allowing the answers to surface, feeling into and soaking in the answers, allowing them to realign my orientation and reorganize my feelings and views.
As I went to bed, I opened my heart to my experiences and to what I had discovered through inquiry.
And I also took time to notice experience – and especially the emotions, images, and the sense of “I” this was happening to – as the infinite.
The following day, there was a sense of a radiant clarity. It seemed that the fiery neediness had burned through, and what was left was clarity. A side-benefit of this clarity is that it is easier to notice whatever is happening in experience – including the sense of “I” or doer – as the infinite. “I” am taking the opportunity to explore this more now since the current state makes that exploration easier.
I have been especially curious about neediness in the days following this. Neediness comes from a belief, and it is fueled by resistance to fear. When I act from neediness, there is tension, a should, an attempt to control. I limit the freedom of myself and others. It is uncomfortable all around. When neediness falls away, I am more self-reliant. I give and find in myself what I am looking for, I give myself and others freedom. And if I also find what I am looking for in others, it is icing on the cake. I can more fully appreciate it.
I am sure there is more bubbles of neediness left, and it will come up when the time is right, wishing to be seen and felt through.
Btw: Some of the approaches I may have used that night (can’t quite remember), or that I at least explore at other times.
I can notice my resistance to my experiences, what happened when I fueled this resistance, and what happened when I allowed experience – including the resistance.
I can notice the fear behind the neediness and brought attention to this fear, allowing it as is it. Feeling it. Finding appreciation for it.
I can notice everything happening in experience – especially my emotions and the resistance – as the infinite itself.
I can notice the neediness as conditioned, as a habitual pattern from family and culture. It is not personal. The connections between (a) situation, (b) thoughts, and (c) reactions (including reactive emotions) is learned. There is no necessary connections there. It is all learned.
Life always invites us to look at neediness. We go into neediness, life doesn’t always fulfill that neediness, it is painful, and that’s the invitation.
- triggered all around now – losing people, desired situations, etc. (losing much of what I most desire, most had hoped for, most had expected and relied on)
- neediness, I need a person, a situation, I need something to happen (otherwise, I am not OK)
- a should, pressure
- open heart to
- recognize as an energy
- inquire into beliefs behind (I need ….)
- find the basic desire behind it, and pursue that desire – find good strategies
- be more self-reliant, give and find in myself what I am looking for, if I find it in others, then icing on the cake
For instance, how does it feel and look when I act from a sense of neediness? (A sense of tension, compulsion, a should. I try to get others and life to be a certain way. I limit the freedom of myself and others. It is uncomfortable all around.)
How does it feel and look when I act