Held in neutrality

 

Over the last couple of years (it may have been longer), I have quite often woken up with a sense of everything being neutral. It is difficult to describe. There is usually some fear there, and I get up and shake the neutrality off as best I can through my usual morning activities.

This morning, the all pervading neutrality was there again, the sense of me and everything being held in neutrality.

I notice fear, and then bring attention to the sense of neutrality, setting aside any images or thoughts about it. Is it OK to allow that sense of neutrality? Is it OK to be it? Is the fear OK? Is it OK to be that fear?

I then explored what that fear is about. First, I see that there is a fear that this all-pervading neutrality will be here forever. I notice it is projected into the future. Do I know it will stay forever? Is it likely that it will stay forever? How bad would it be if it stayed forever?

The fear is about not being able to function. If this all-pervading sense of neutrality is here, I won’t be able to function. Is it true? Has it been true in the past? What is more likely to be true? And if I was unable to function, how bad would that be? What’s the worst that could happen? What’s more likely? Would it be OK?

I stay with this for a while, and as I drift back into half-sleep, a (dream) figure appears and show me that behind this sense of all-pervading neutrality there is an immense light and fire. Through the neutrality, it burns away whatever can’t hold and whatever is not compatible with itself.

This process is an example of the type of more free inquiry I have been doing lately, often while in bed.

An experience is here, in this case the sense of all-pervading neutrality, of everything I am and everything throughout my field of experience being and being held in a gray and uniform neutrality. There is fear coming up, and an impulse to change or remove this experience. I notice this, and use it as a reminder to explore what’s going on.

I tell myself it is OK to set aside images and stories about what’s happening for a while. And instead bring attention to the sense of gray neutrality itself. How is it to bring attention to it? Is it OK? How is it to allow the experience of gray uniform neutrality? Is it OK? I find that the experience itself is fine. It is OK. I stay with this for a while.

What is the fear? What do I fear may happen if this experience is here? There is a fear of not being able to function. With this flat neutrality, I may not be able to function. Can I know it is true? No, I cannot know that. Has it been true in the past? No, I have experienced this in the past, and I have been able to function fine. How likely is it to be true? Not very likely. What is more likely to be true? That I will be able to function fine. What’s the worst that could happen? That I won’t be able to function, and someone would have to take care of me. How bad would that be? Not very bad. It would be OK. Even if I died, I can find where that would be OK. Peaceful.

How am I spared? I am spared from getting caught in emotional ups and downs.

How is it wonderful? It’s a new experience for me. And I get to explore the dynamics around it – the resistance, fear, beliefs, what’s more true for me. The experience itself is fine. The fear behind it is very understandable and good too. And the stories that brings up the fear are OK. I cannot know they are true, something else is often more likely, and even if they were true, I can find where that would be OK as well.

And what is this neutrality? I am not sure. It is not the emptiness neutrality, because it has substance and it happens within experience. And it is not emotional neutrality as in depression. It seems to be an all-pervaiding neutrality at a subtle energy level, holding me and I within itself while something is taking place. And it may well have to do with the dark night. It may be, as the active imagination/dream suggested, some sort of processing that is part of the dark night phase.

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