Dream 1: I am in a support group of some sort, and a man tells me I am the most passive person he has seen there. I justify it by referring to the cf, but it feels hollow and false.
Dream 2: I am at the Zen center in SLC, notice how dull and fatigued I feel, and remember the clarity and energy I used to have when I lived there. I notice how far I have allowed myself to go into dullness.
I have had several of these types of dreams recently, contrasting my current dull, confused and fatigued state with the zest, clarity and energy I used to experience. There is of course an impulse to label one good and the other bad. It is natural, understandable and innocent, and it comes from evolution and culture. Do I recognize that there is no absolute truth there? Not quite, there is still further to go.
I notice some hesitation in mentioning the dark night here. My process fits very well into that framework, especially as outlined by Evelyn Underhill, but it can also sound quite abstract. I also see a tendency in me to seek refuge and comfort in telling myself “it’s a dark night” – it’s noble, advanced, and leads to something good. That too is natural, understandable and innocent. It is a way to seek a sense of safety and security. And yet, are those stories true? Do I “need” them to be true?
I also see that I use the dark night story as a refuge from taking responsibility for my own choices and actions. The process of the dark night is much bigger than “me” so I can just go along as a leaf in the storm, letting things happen to me instead of taking responsibility and being more active.
So I have some beliefs here I can look into:
Clarity is better than dullness. Zest is better than fatigue.
I am in a dark night of the soul. I am in a noble process.
I can rest and let things go their course. I don’t need to take responsibility. I don’t need to be active.
– two groups
– first, a support group – not sure for what, one man pointed out that I was the most passive person he had seen there (laying around, resting, not saying or doing much), i defended it by referring to the cf but it felt false, hollow somehow, i also was out of synch with the group and it’s rules
– then, visiting kzc, same – noticed how dull i am, remembered the clarity and focus i used to experience there, i noticed how far i have allowed myself to go into dullness
– woke up, a voice said it is ok, will soon be done, is a good process
— a little shocking, noticing the degree of dullness, how far it has gone compared with how i was at the zen center
I notice that the tendency to label one “good” and the other “bad” has worn out quite a bit, but there is still some left. There is nothing wrong there, but I wish to shift into recognizing those impulses more clearly as belonging to the personality (conditioned) and not reflecting any absolute truth.