What do I not want to see?

 

What do I not want to see?

That’s one of the most powerful questions whenever I feel stuck or caught up in stories and reactions.

What do I not want to see?

I often find that what I don’t want to see, what I initially may have the most resistance to seeing, is exactly that which clears the situation up for me.

Some examples:

A close friend from my time in Oslo is not returning my calls. What I don’t really want to see or admit is that we may not be in sync as we used to and our connection may not be as meaningful and nurturing as it was. It may be time for both of us to move on.

Chronic fatigue. What I didn’t want to admit is all of its benefits. It has helped me be comfortable with relaxing and idling. It has helped me wear off identities. It has helped me wear off attachments to dreams and shoulds. It has helped me soften the expectations I have of myself. It has allowed me time to just be, and to embrace more of the fullness of who I am.

Didn’t stay at the Zen center. Didn’t become a monk. Didn’t stay on the track to become a teacher. What I didn’t want to fully admit is that this may be a gift. That path may have been to constricting for me (it was back then too, in some ways). Also, I wouldn’t be comfortable in being a teacher in a traditional sense – it feels inauthentic and too constraining for me. I am much more comfortable with a shared exploration where we are all in it together.

There is no stable awakening here, even this long after the initial opening. What I didn’t want to fully acknowledge is that I am fascinated with the process. I want to stay in the boundary zone a bit longer, because it is such a rich terrain. I may be too fascinated with what’s here to really want to move on. Also, there are probably other things I don’t want to see or admit that keeps me there – perhaps things that hit closer to home than what’s on this list.

When I explored these examples for myself, I notice that when I find what I honestly don’t want to admit or see, it has the feel of a confession.

Source: Adyashanti mentioned this inquiry in his Radio Adyashanti episode on Moving Beyond Stuckness, Feb. 2 2011.

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  • what do I not want to see?
    • whenever is stress, discomfort, sense of stuckness etc.
    • ask myself, what do I not want to see about this?
    • a shortcut, requires some receptivity, honesty, interest in/dedication to truth
    • examples for me
      • old friend, don’t want contact —> may both have moved from where we were, may not nurture us as it did, time to move on
      • cf —>helped me learn to relax, worn off identities
      • didn’t become zen teacher —>may have been too constraining, too limiting
      • not stable awakening —> may be too fascinated with the process, want to stay in the boundary zone
    • from Radio Adyashanti, Moving Beyond Stuckness, Feb 2 2011

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