Inquiry: I shouldn’t disappoint others

 

I shouldn’t disappoint others.

(I’ll keep one or two people and situations in mind as I answer the questions below.)

True?

Hm. I can find where it feels true.

Sure it is true?

No. It’s just an idea.

Also, it assumes it is possible to disappoint others. *

[This is a more core belief, so I decided to switch and return to the “shouldn’t” statement later.]

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It is possible to disappoint others.

True?

Yes. A part of me feels/thinks it is possible.

Sure?

No. It’s a story. An image.

What happens when I believe that story?

I think and feel that it is possible to disappoint others. I find evidence for the belief.

I am afraid to disappoint others. I add another belief: It is bad to disappoint others.*

When did I first have the belief? Early in life. I have likely picked it up from others around me, most likely adults.

What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t have the belief? I am afraid I would disappoint others without knowing it.

Who would I be without that thought?

Free from the idea that it is possible to disappoint others.

I wouldn’t be afraid to disappoint others, b/c it’s not possible.

I would be more free in my interactions with others.

Turnarounds

It is not possible to disappoint others.

Yes. That’s more true.

I can only make myself disappointed, through the stories I tell myself about what happened.

And it may be that way for others as well. They trigger thoughts and feelings of disappointment through the stories they tell themselves.

It is possible for me to disappoint myself.

Yes, certainly. I create an experience of disappointment through the stories I tell myself, and taking those stories as true.

It is possible for others to disappoint me.

Hm. Yes, in my own mind. I can tell myself that someone disappointed me. I project it over on another person, while it is really happening right here.

It is not possible for others to disappoint me.

Right. I do it for myself. I am more than capable of doing it for myself.

Turnarounds for related beliefs:

I shouldn’t disappoint others —> I should disappoint others.

Yes. When I am honest, I will disappoint others at times. And I want to be honest.

It’s a natural consequence of being honest, no matter how considerate I am.

No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to avoid disappointing others, I cannot control what other people tell themselves.

They may well trigger disappointment in themselves, and tell themselves I did it, independent of what I do. It’s part of life.

If I disappoint others, I will lose people in my life —> If I disappoint others, I won’t lose people in my life.

Hm. That may be true. If I am honest and more myself, some people will be disappointed by what I say or do. But others will enjoy my company more, and that’s the people I want in my life anyway.

If I lose people in my life, something terrible will happen —> If I lose people in my life, something wonderful will happen.

Yes, I can find that. I will encounter my own beliefs about what happened, and have an opportunity to find more clarity.

I may find other people, perhaps people I enjoy more having in my life.

I may enjoy having fewer people in my life. It gives me time for the ones remaining, and for other things.

I don’t want to die —> I want to die.

Yes. I can find where both are true.

I want to die because it will leave this life behind. The stresses of this life will be gone.

Also, it will be an adventure? What happens, if anything?

It’s one of the big questions, and this is an opportunity for first-hand experience.

If people are angry at me, something terrible will happen —> If someone is angry at me, something wonderful will happen.

Yes. It will show me what’s left. I get to see my own reactions. My own beliefs. How I relate to the emotions I trigger in myself.

Also, it gives an opportunity for a more honest interaction.

If I am alone, I will be miserable —> If I am alone, I will not be miserable.

True. Not being miserable is independent of being alone or not. I have been not-miserable alone and with people.

Being not miserable has more to do with my own mind, how I interpret the situation, the stories I tell myself, and the extent I believe those stories.

Also, if I am alone as a consequence of others telling themselves I disappointed them, it can be good feedback for me. I may be able to learn from it, see something in myself.

If I am alone, I will be miserable —> If I am alone, I will be happy.

As above, if I am alone because others tell themselves I disappoint them, I may learn something about myself, and find happiness that way.

I have been happy alone or with people. It happens independent of being alone or with others.

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Additional beliefs:

It’s possible to disappoint others.

If I disappoint others, they won’t like me anymore.

If I disappoint others, I will lose people in my life.

If I lose people in my life, something terrible will happen.

If I lose people in my life, I will be alone.

If I am alone, I will be miserable.

If I am alone, I will die.

If I die, something terrible has happened.

I don’t want to die.

I can die.

If I disappoint others, they will get angry at me.

If people are angry at me, something terrible will happen.

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