Why am I exploring these things? What is my deepest motivation, desire, longing?
Is it for the sake of truth or love? Healing, maturing, awakening? Intimacy with existence? Freeing myself up to follow my inner guidance/knowing?
There is some truth to each of those, but they don’t quite do it.
For me, it’s about coming home, and there is a relief in seeing and admitting it.
As a preschool kid, I had flashes of how it was before birth – an infinite love, infinite wisdom, nothing to be separated, sense of being home.
As a school kid, I would wake up some mornings with a longing that couldn’t be satisfied through being with my family, friends, eating bread with jam (my favorite), reading Donald Duck, the Hardy Boys or Jules Verne.
And as a teenager, during the initial unabiding awakening, I knew this is it. This is what the flashes were about, this is what the longing was for. Reality recognizing itself. God waking up to itself as everything and the nothing that allows for everything.
When I see that my most basic longing is for coming home, there is a sense of things falling into place. It includes truth, love, intimacy with/as existence, freeing myself up to follow my inner guidance and knowing, and yet coming home is the entry point that makes it all fall into place.
The most basic draw is, most likely, universal. As soon as there is a sense of separation – a mistaken identification, there is a longing for complete release of this separation. There is a longing for knowing ourselves as that which is more real than any sense of separation.
It can take many forms – a longing for truth, love, wholeness, intimacy, awakening, coming home. All these are entry points into reality recognizing itself, lived through a human being more and more
There are two sides to each of these facets: What we long for, and what we long for a release from. We long for truth and release from confusion. We long for love and release from our own obstacles to love. We long for coming home, and a release from not feeling that we are home.
So for all of us, the question is: What do I really want? What is my deepest longing? Finding that can be a relief, and a good support. And it may, of course, change.
Note: I use the word longing here, which is true in it’s own way. But it is perhaps more of a draw or a calling. Reality is calling to us.
Note 2: I find that when I use coming home as a pointer, there is a willingness to let go of my world that’s not there when I use truth or love as a pointer. That’s a good indication that coming home is more intimate for me, at least right now. Intimacy with existence is also very much there.
Note 3: What does coming home mean for me? It means to come home as the fullness of who I am, a human being in the world. It means for what I am to recognize itself, while it lives through/as who I am. It means to be free to follow my inner guidance/knowing.
Note 4: Where do I come home to? Where do I come home from? I come home right here. I come home from a journey of telling myself I wasn’t home.