Awakening will control states.
I have associated awakening with a state, since it (unabiding awakening) did come with a state earlier.
So what’s left of my motivation for awakening was/is tied up with a desire to control states.
It’s probably nearly inevitable, and sobering to see.
I can find where I think/feel it’s true, so will answer from that place.
Sure it’s true?
No. It’s just a thought, an interpretation.
It’s coming from a particular view of the world.
What happens when I take that thought as true?
(a) I seek awakening as a means to control states.
I think awakening will stabilize a desirable and enjoyable state.
In my own mind, I make awakening into a servant for this belief.
(b) I reinforce several underlying beliefs:
States are inherently good or bad.
States can be stabilized or controlled.
Awakening is – or is related to – a particular state.
There is an I here that can awaken.
I need awakening.
Awakening is better.
(c) What states do I think will stabilize within awakening?
Sense of contentment.
Free of distress. Free of resistance. Undivided.
Absence of a sense of “I”.
Free to follow inner guidance/knowing.
(d) What is the wish behind this belief – awakening will control states?
A wish for release from unease.
A wish for a sense that it’s deeply right.
What do I get from that belief – awakening will control states?
Getting caught up in trying to awaken, manipulate myself to awaken.
A feeling that something is wrong if it doesn’t happen.
Placing contentment out there in others and the future.
Since there is an underlying belief about states, I also get caught up in trying to manipulate states
I get caught up in trying to create more comfortable and stable states.
Who would I be without it?
Seeing what I already know, that awakening is unrelated to states.
What already allows states is what “awakens” to itself.
–> What already allows any and all state is what notices itself, it’s already independent of states.
Awakening will not control states
Awakening is an awakening of what *already* allows any and all states.
It’s capacity for any experience. It’s this capacity that “awakens” or notices itself.
Awakening will allow states
Yes. It already does.
Also, if anything falls away, it’s more likely resistance and struggling with states.
What already allows any state is what notices itself.
– o –
Turnaround for the states I associate with awakening
Sense of contentment –> free to allow contentment and not.
Yes. Awakening is free to allow both.
For instance, old wounds may surface and something else than contentment is in the foreground.
Free of distress. Free of resistance. Undivided. –> Free to allow these and their reversals.
Resistance may surface, and is allowed as is. Resistance is recognized as the play of awareness.
As above, these may – for instance – surface when old wounds show themselves.
Absence of a sense of “I” –> presence of a sense of “I”.
Hm. The image of an “I” may surely surface, recognized as the play of awareness.
I imagine even a sense of “I” may surface, recognized as the play of awareness.
Quiet joy – free to allow quiet joy and absence of quiet joy.
Yes, why not?
Free to follow inner guidance/knowing –> free to follow or not follow inner guidance/knowing.
Yes, that too.
Even within a “stable awakening” there may be times when an inner guidance/knowing is not followed – perhaps out of old habit or something else.
That too is included. That too is already allowed.
– o –
From an email to my gratitude partner:
During the earlier “awakenings” the recognition of “no I” was tied up with a particular state, so I assumed awakening had to do with the state – even if I also knew better. Now that it’s sinking in more that it has nothing to do with states, there is fear coming up. It means that not even recognizing what I am will help control states. It’s pretty obvious at one level, and terrifying at another.
It’s interesting that part of my motivation for stable awakening was/is to control states. I guess it is nearly inevitable, but sobering to see.