Inquiry: I am a nice guy (so people should like me)

 

I am a nice guy (so people should like me).

True?

I can find where it feels true.

What happens when I believe that thought?

If I tell myself someone doesn’t like me, and I would like them to like me….

I feel life is unjust.

I make them wrong.

I feel life is wrong.

I tell myself something terrible happened.

I take on a victim role. I experience myself as a victim.

Who would I be without that thought?

OK with whatever happens.

OK with people not liking me.

Receptive to different explanations.

Perhaps they like me, but don’t want contact with me (right now) for another reason?

Perhaps the “no” from their side is just a “not right now”?

Turnarounds

** I am a nice guy –> I am not a nice guy (which explains why some don’t like me).

I tend to be happy to disagree with the person I talk with.

When I disagree, I don’t always do it in a skillful way.

For instance, I sometimes don’t also make it clear that I also agree with them – which I do.

(A more skillful way would be to first agree, empathize, and then shift the perspective in a friendly way.)

I tend to defend the person or situation they disagree with or complain about.

I can see how both of those can be annoying, even a bit hurtful.

I also see how fear comes up for me in some social situations, and I try to avoid/deal with that fear by going into a belief, identify with a position, defend a viewpoint.

Sometimes, resisting the fear creates an uncomfortable energy that fuels the belief.

Also, when fear comes up in social situations and I try to push it away, I feel uncomfortable, and the other person most likely pick this up.

** I am a nice guy so people should like me –> I am a nice guy so people shouldn’t like me.

Yes. When I am caught up in the project of being a nice guy (to get people to like me), it’s phony.

People pick it up. They see what I am doing. They may wonder what does he have to hide? Why is he so insecure?

They may pick up on my discomfort, the discomfort and fear that is behind the belief that I need to be nice to get people to like me.

It’s only natural they won’t like that. It’s healthy.

It’s healthy if they don’t like it, and it’s good feedback for me. It helps me take a close look at what I am doing, what I hope to get out of it, what I actually get out of it, and what may be a better strategy – one that feels better for me.

– o –

What are some of my strategies to try to get people to like me?

I try to impress.

Say something smart.

Show I know a lot of information.

Let them know I have done a number of interesting/unusual things.

One-upmanship.

What do I hope to get out of it?

A sense of connection.

A more satisfying connection with myself, the other person and life.

What do I actually get out of it?

Discomfort.

Sense of separation.

They are less likely to like me or enjoy my company.

What would feel better?

Remembering my basic desire for connection.

Find another way of relating, first expressing agreement, understanding where he/she is coming from (which I usually do from own experience), and then open it up, suggest other angles.

– o –

Underlying beliefs

I need people to like me.

I need to be liked.

I should be a nice guy.

It’s better to be liked.

It’s better to be a nice guy.

I need everyone to like me.

When people don’t want contact with me, it’s because they don’t like me.

Turnarounds

I need everyone to like me –> I don’t need everyone to like me.

That’s true. No matter what I do or don’t do, someone won’t like me. That’s how it is for everyone. Even Jesus was liked by some and disliked by others.

Whether I am myself or not (trying to present an image), some folks won’t like me.

So why not be myself? Some will like me, and that will tend to be the people I feel a natural affiliation with. Others won’t and it’s good to know early on so I don’t need to invest time and energy in those relationships.

I need everyone to like me –> I don’t need anyone to like me.

That’s more difficult to find.

I will still survive even if nobody likes me.

I can still find enjoyment, have a meaningful life.

If I know more who and what I am, I can even find a deep sense of satisfaction independent of being liked or not.

I need everyone to like me –> I need no-one to like me.

Hm. It will be feedback so I can look at possible reasons. Am I caught up in beliefs that makes me live in a way so people don’t like it?

I would get face to face with some of my beliefs around being liked (needing to be liked, what it means), and there is an invitation for more clarity.

I have the possibility to find where I am OK – and it’s OK – even if nobody likes me.

I have the possibility to find more wholeness as who I am and clarity as what I am, and notice I am OK even if nobody likes me.

Nobody likes me –> Someone like me.

Yes, that’s true.

Some folks in my life seem to like me as I am, even if I am honest and open about what’s going on for me.

Some even seem to like me especially for that reason.

If I am open and honest, people won’t like me –> If I am open and honest, people will like me.

Yes, some will. Some may like me more.

Some already do like me more for that reason.

It’s better to be a nice guy –> It’s better to not be a nice guy.

Yes. Being a nice guy is an idea, an image. I try to live up to an image. I filter myself to let out (in words and actions) only what fits the image. I experience separation. Even lack of meaning.

It’s better to not be a nice guy, to not try to live up to that image. To just be myself.

It feels better. It helps me filter people so I find the ones I am more affiliated with.

Instead of filtering myself (by trying to live up to an image), I effortlessly filter other people (by being myself) – I get to see who likes me as I am.

I get to see if anyone likes me as I am, and then trust that it’s OK to be as I am.

When people don’t want contact with me, it’s because they don’t like me –> When people don’t want contact with me, it’s not because they don’t like me.

– o –


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