What I expected would have been better.
What I hoped for, planned, thought would happen.
Yes. That feels true.
No, I cannot be sure.
It’s just a thought.
What happens when I take that thought as true?
I feel that what I expected (hoped, planned for) would have been better.
I make life (God, Existence) wrong.
I tell myself God is an idiot.
I know better than life.
I make myself into a victim.
I go into “poor me” stories.
I compare what I imagine could have happened with what happened, and make what happened wrong.
I create idealized images of what could have happened and other people’s lives, create the reverse images of what did happen, and compare the two.
When I have that belief – what I expected would have been better – I think, feel, speak and act as if it is true. It’s made to appear very true.
How is it made to appear true?
I filter my life and the world through this belief.
My thoughts makes it appear true. Interpret my life to make it true. I chose examples to make it true. I go into imagined scenarios to make it appear true.
My emotions make it feel true. I feel sadness, grief, anger, frustration, and all of these emotions makes it appear true.
I speak and act as if it is true, which again makes it appear true.
What else happens when I believe the story?
I feel sad, grief, frustration, anger, disappointment.
I feel resentful – towards myself, others, life, God.
I feel inferiors to others who – I tell myself – did get what they wanted.
I feel that something is wrong with me.
I am afraid something similar will happen in the future.
What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t have that belief?
That I would be OK with what happened.
Why is that not OK?
I am afraid I wouldn’t aim for something else.
How likely is it?
Not very likely. I will still know what I am drawn to.
Who would I be without it?
OK with what is.
Receptive. Curious. Interested.
Curious about what is. How it’s better than what I expected. What I got I otherwise wouldn’t have.
What I expected would not have been better.
That may be true. The most honest answer is I don’t know.
Better and worse are just ideas, thoughts, overlays on reality.
What I expected would have been worse.
That could be true too.
What I wanted didn’t include surprises.
What I didn’t expect is better.
Again, I don’t know.
Surprises may be better in some ways. It shakes things up.
Helps me question my familiar views and assumptions.
I got to experience things I – most likely – otherwise wouldn’t have.
–> Some things I am grateful for, which may not have happened if everything went according to my plan:
I was coordinator/director of an amazing sustainability organization in Wisconsin.
I made lots of friends through that work.
I was engaged in meaningful and enjoyable work.
I experienced much I otherwise wouldn’t have.
(Potlucks, workshops, natural building projects, small farm life etc.)
I got into Breema.
I learned from teachers at CSS.
I met Todd.
I met Barry.
I met Bonnie.
I learned about Adya and got to meet him in person.
(Four of my most important teachers.)
I got to experience the nature in Oregon – the coast, mountains, desert.
I got to spend a good amount of time in the Bay Area through Breema.
I met friends and important people in my life through Breema.
I found more time to explore, digest, process, clarify (also through the cf).
I am genuinely grateful for each of these.