Inquiry: What I expected would have been better

 

What I expected would have been better.

What I hoped for, planned, thought would happen.

True?

Yes. That feels true.

Sure?

No, I cannot be sure.

It’s just a thought.

What happens when I take that thought as true?

I feel that what I expected (hoped, planned for) would have been better.

I make life (God, Existence) wrong.

I tell myself God is an idiot.

I know better than life.

I make myself into a victim.

I go into “poor me” stories.

I compare what I imagine could have happened with what happened, and make what happened wrong.

I create idealized images of what could have happened and other people’s lives, create the reverse images of what did happen, and compare the two.

When I have that belief – what I expected would have been better – I think, feel, speak and act as if it is true. It’s made to appear very true.

How is it made to appear true?

I filter my life and the world through this belief.

My thoughts makes it appear true. Interpret my life to make it true. I chose examples to make it true. I go into imagined scenarios to make it appear true.

My emotions make it feel true. I feel sadness, grief, anger, frustration, and all of these emotions makes it appear true.

I speak and act as if it is true, which again makes it appear true.

What else happens when I believe the story?

I feel sad, grief, frustration, anger, disappointment.

I feel resentful – towards myself, others, life, God.

I feel inferiors to others who – I tell myself – did get what they wanted.

I feel that something is wrong with me.

I am afraid something similar will happen in the future.

What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t have that belief?

That I would be OK with what happened.

Why is that not OK?

I am afraid I wouldn’t aim for something else.

How likely is it?

Not very likely. I will still know what I am drawn to.

Who would I be without it?

OK with what is.

Receptive. Curious. Interested.

Curious about what is. How it’s better than what I expected. What I got I otherwise wouldn’t have.

Turnarounds

What I expected would not have been better.

That may be true. The most honest answer is I don’t know.

Better and worse are just ideas, thoughts, overlays on reality.

What I expected would have been worse.

That could be true too.

What I wanted didn’t include surprises.

What I didn’t expect is better.

Again, I don’t know.

Surprises may be better in some ways. It shakes things up.

Helps me question my familiar views and assumptions.

I got to experience things I – most likely – otherwise wouldn’t have.

–> Some things I am grateful for, which may not have happened if everything went according to my plan:

I was coordinator/director of an amazing sustainability organization in Wisconsin.

I made lots of friends through that work.

I was engaged in meaningful and enjoyable work.

I experienced much I otherwise wouldn’t have.

(Potlucks, workshops, natural building projects, small farm life etc.)

I got into Breema.

I learned from teachers at CSS.

I met Todd.

I met Barry.

I met Bonnie.

I learned about Adya and got to meet him in person.

(Four of my most important teachers.)

I got to experience the nature in Oregon – the coast, mountains, desert.

I got to spend a good amount of time in the Bay Area through Breema.

I met friends and important people in my life through Breema.

I found more time to explore, digest, process, clarify (also through the cf).

I am genuinely grateful for each of these.

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