A few items from my all-inclusive gratitude list.
I have left out the more personal items, and the ones involving other people, which means I left out the more real and juicy ones…!
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– most recent first –
I am grateful for looking over some of my previous gratitude lists today and taking it in.
I am grateful for these lists and my blog reflecting how I try to do everything “right”, and wondering if that’s where I miss the mark.
I am grateful for seeing that I am trying to be a “good boy” in these lists and on the blog, even when I acknowledge shadow material and “imperfections”.
I am grateful for a more visceral sense of a cleaning out of my heart, especially following each “bubble” of confusion surfacing. Identity (clinging to it) = defense = closed heart = closed mind.
I am grateful for seeing that during my late teens and twenties, I attached to stories about the future to create a sense of zest and passion for myself. Now, that doesn’t seem available to me.
I am grateful for seeing I need to be honest with myself around neediness. The only resolution is to give myself the love, acceptance, trust, advice, friendship, intimacy, support etc. that I seek from others. As long as I seek it from others, I am out of integrity.
I can see that fear – getting caught up in fear and believing the stories behind it – is behind going out of integrity for me.
I am grateful for seeing I can discover and unravel beliefs/knots when I sleep well and feel fine, and not only when there is dread, terror and sleepless nights. In many ways, I function better and can more easily explore it when I feel fine.
I am grateful for reminding myself that although the process of healing/digesting/maturing at my human level is endless, identification can release out of it. Recognizing it’s endless makes it less inviting to identify with it. Identifying with it – and hoping for resolution – is hopeless.
I am grateful for seeing that the bubbles of fear/beliefs/wounds surfacing sometimes fill my whole world independent of whether or how strongly they are identified with.
I am grateful for the reminder from Barry about the ego: It’s digging in its heels for all it’s worth (when the dread/terror surfaces during the night), and the only power it has is the belief it has power.
I am grateful for the reminder that being idealistic and “noble” can be very destructive. I set ideas before my own needs.
I am grateful for a good nights sleep.
I am grateful for noticing the “split” between belly/pelvis/legs and chest/arms, with strength/power in the lower half and not quite yet as much in the upper half. I am grateful for feeling it’s shifting.
–> I am grateful for Adya’s question what is this moment trying to show me?
I am grateful for watching parts of “Night at the Museum” and being reminded of subpersonalities and voice dialog. (The night guard learns to manage what’s initially mayhem.)
I am grateful for a long walk in the woods today, after the rain and with a breeze.
I am grateful for several times today when I read the news/watch TV, have an impulse of I want/don’t want that, and then the response that I already am that. I don’t need to get caught up in seeking/avoiding it in my own life because I already am it.
I am grateful for thinking/seeing that what I am asked for is to *feel* the dread, not to try to fix it, push it away, escape it etc.
I am grateful for reminding myself that emotions do not reflect reality.
–> I am grateful for the question: What do I use this – what I complain about in my life – to avoid?
I am grateful for taking time to meet parts of me – including the primal fear – with love.
I am grateful for some time in the sun.
–> I am grateful for the question what I am not willing to let go of? What am I not willing to lose? And for it pointing to where I keep myself stuck.
I am grateful for what’s in me that resists the inevitable.
I am grateful for reminders from Barry: (a) Love is the universal solvent. (b) When my psyche is fragmented, my life will be too.
I am grateful for watching Into Eternity, for it’s deep time perspective, for all the people interviewed who used a deep time perspective with clarity, wisdom and compassion, and for recently coming across several examples of this from northern Europe (flood planning in the Netherlands etc.).
I am grateful for a question coming up: What if it’s all over now, would that be OK? What if there is nothing more? It seems a good question to stay with.
I am grateful for Mike Huckabee saying he had a long list of very good reasons to stay in the presidential race, but he followed his heart which told him “no”.
I am grateful for another beautiful spring/summer day with sunshine, breeze, a few clouds passing through the sky. I am grateful for flowers on the apple tree outside my window.
I am grateful for the reminder from Evelyn Underhill that the dark night is “passive” in that the “I” cannot do anything to enter or leave it. (Although it can be made easier by aligning with it.) I am grateful for her reminder that there is often no “light at end of the tunnel” during this phase, and that’s part of the process.
I am grateful for the roller coaster ride of bubbles of confusion (dread, fear, regret etc.) surfacing and then clarity, switching every few hours. I am grateful for the parts of me that don’t appreciate this process. I am grateful for the same situation switching from appearing as terrible to fine and something I can find genuine appreciation for, and that it all has to do with my stories about it.
I am grateful for walks in nature soothing the turmoil.
I am grateful for seeing the impulse of hoping something or someone will “save” me, as if there is anyone to be saved and something to be saved from. And I also see that friendships, interaction with a “teacher” etc. can be very helpful in a practical and ordinary sense.
I am grateful for a beautiful morning and waking up at sunrise.
I am grateful for the calling for something much simpler: To just experience what’s here free from mental gymnastics and trickery and trying to fix anything.
I am grateful for the voice that said if they were true, would that be OK? when I noticed I started wrestling with recurrent surfacing beliefs/emotions. I am grateful for something shifting.
I am grateful for the scene from The Avengers where Steed is about to be executed and says “it’s important to do these things well”. I am grateful for knowing I need to do this. To not go unconscious when difficult material comes up: fear, intensity, wounds, old beliefs and emotions.
I am grateful for reminding myself that dread is a form of love. It’s one of the ways the organism tells itself to avoid dangerous – and potentially lethal – situations. I am grateful for seeing it comes up also when core identifications are threatened.
I am grateful for a good night’s sleep and feeling rested and sleepy waking up.
I am grateful for the impulse to look for something or someone to save me.
I am grateful for the experience of most/all my internal and external supports having fallen away or don’t really work anymore. Even the conversation with Barry only “worked” for a brief time, then it’s back to the naked and raw wounds/emotions/beliefs surfacing.
I am grateful for my body gravitating to “fasting” these days – eating mostly fruits, some nuts, cooked vegetables, a bit of fish and meat, all in small amounts, and not much more.
I am grateful for the poor me thoughts, for wondering “why did this happen”, and for only pretending there too.
I am grateful for feeling, in a gut sense, that I really don’t know anything anymore.
I am grateful for the reminder from Barry that the process goes to where “I” don’t mind where it’s going. I remember Mike Snider saying the same.
I am grateful for wishing to be shown a gentler way. I am grateful for wishing to be more kind to myself in this process.
I am grateful for the question: Is this OK? Is it true it’s not OK?
I am grateful for old beliefs/emotions still surfacing, and for still sometimes getting caught in it.
I am grateful for the reminder from Barry that everything human and animal will fight this process to the end, and that it’s built in through the whole evolutionary process.
I am grateful for Barry reminding me that this is a process of awakening, as Adya did, and for it not really matter anymore for me. I just want truth and relief from being caught in the struggle.
I am grateful for Adya saying it feels like going backwards, going in the wrong direction, but it’s not.
I am grateful for Barry reminding me that the train will continue, and it’s partly up to me how the experience of it will be. I can resist, yell and scream, try to get off the train, try to make it stop, or I can relax and enjoy the journey.
I am grateful for seeing I am still drawn to being a crazy passenger, while I also really want to relax and enjoy it. I am grateful for wanting to harvest the nutrients from the craziness, and wondering if that’s part of the craziness.
I am grateful for the conversation with Barry, and for wishing to find another and more gentler way. I see how getting caught up in resistance makes the whole process more difficult for me, and I end up seeking more difficult situations that will help me break through – or break down what needs to break down. I am grateful for the process and what surfaced.
I am grateful for what’s a couple of minutes after the last song is over on Bitter:Sweet’s Drama: a little girl saying bye bye and laughing.
I am grateful for thinking/feeling I need a miracle. I am grateful for seeing that too is from a belief, a wish for things to be different, and not seeing what’s really here.
I am grateful for the reminder from Adya that we get what we want. I can see how I have wanted certain situations so core patterns can surface and be seen, felt, loved. I have wanted no other way out than that.
I am grateful for the reminder from Byron Katie: If there is something I am not willing to lose, I have created a world where enemies are possible. (A Thousand Names for Joy)
I am grateful for knowing that the way out is through honesty – with myself and others, as a confession, and perhaps revealing new layers of what’s true for me.
I am grateful for wishing to be more aligned with reality. I am grateful for wondering why something so simple seems so difficult for me now.
I am grateful for seeing what happens when I get caught in surfacing intensity, fears, beliefs, emotions. I get caught up in trying to prove that certain stories are true, even if I know they are not. It feels like insanity. I wrote a couple of emails from that place this morning, and feel embarrassment now.
I am grateful for the reminder from Byron Katie that whatever I lose, I am better off without. (a) How do I know I don’t need it? It’s gone. (b) Why is my life better without it? It’s simpler now.
I am grateful for seeing that just about all I “need” now is what was natural, easy and inevitable for me during the initial awakening: All as God, gratitude for everything that’s here, appreciation, clarity, receptivity, flow, following the inner voice in every small thing in daily life, all as a gift, all as love, all as the play of awareness. I am grateful for regret and anger that this fell away, and for having to relearn it in a painful and painstaking way. I am grateful for all the ones I talk to who tell me what I used to live, as if it would be new to me.
I am grateful for feeling completely stuck throughout the night and morning, until about noon.
I am grateful for the reminder from Byron Katie about people who have been on a spiritual path for decades, yet have no interest in freedom when they meet their sacred thoughts. They want their sacred thoughts more than freedom. I suspect I am one of these.
I am grateful for going into “poor me” stories again tonight, listing all the ways life has done me wrong.
I am grateful for being OK admitting I am not completely honest with myself and others.
I am grateful for the cycle of intensity, resistance, misery, release of resistance, feeling OK, intensity etc.
I am grateful for seeing that what I fear the most is already happening.
I am grateful for asking for a miracle last night while sleepless with the same intensity running through my system and a sense of dissolving. I am grateful for seeing I need a miracle, also in how I relate to this. “I” cannot do it.
I am grateful for seeing I interpret the dissolving as meaning I can’t function, while it’s not true. I can function quite normally even with that feeling.
I am grateful to see that when I am caught up in frustration/insanity, it gets placed on anything including people on facebook misspelling.
I am grateful for old beliefs/emotions surfacing and going crazy, while seeing they are not true, and only occasionally getting caught in it. I am grateful for the image of a wind-up toy that is winding itself out.
I am grateful for some fun when I made my digital SLR into a pin-hole camera.
I am grateful for a day in Oslo yesterday – beautiful weather, a small medieval festival, walk by the harbor and river, tea in the sun, conversation with friends.
I am grateful for regrets surfacing in the evening again, and for most of the time being with the experience.
I am grateful for seeing how I am mentally holding onto situations that it wouldn’t make sense for me to return to.
I am grateful for seeing I tend to mentally make this process into something noble and spiritual, while I really don’t know. More honestly, it’s just my messed up parts surfacing.
I am grateful for seeing I use my blog as a way to feel I have a foothold while I really don’t.
I am grateful for a long beautiful walk last night after sunset, with the spring/summer sun lighting up the horizon to the north.
I am grateful for seeing that when I long for my life some years back, I am partially or really longing for the oneness state which colored everything happening back then. I am grateful for seeing that this explains why the regret/longing surfacing is so strong (it was an intense and wonderful experience), and that it surfaces now so it can wear itself out.
I am grateful for seeing that I use my blog as a way to feel I understand and control what’s happening. I am grateful for seeing i use it to give myself a false sense of control and understanding.
I am grateful for thinking that you and some others are tired of listening to my complaints, and seeing I am the one tired of it. I am grateful for opportunities to project.
I am grateful for feeling discouraged about my life in general and whatever process I am in.
I am grateful for seeing/feeling I am more caught up in thought than what’s probably good for me. (Including inquiry etc.)
I am grateful for seeing that I pretend to be more stupid than I am when I go into beliefs.
I am grateful for the question what am I not willing to part with? and for sobering up in seeing what’s there.
I am grateful for wishing for a resolution. I am grateful for wishing for inner and outer blocks resolving and falling away. I am grateful for seeing “I” can’t do this on my own, and praying for help. I am grateful for wishing for the inner and outer support I need to resolve this.
I am grateful for these lists and for you.
I am grateful for shock over how radical this process is, how it strips away everything. I am grateful for resistance to this process. I am grateful for whatever happens – whether I get stuck in limbo or whatever else may happen. I am grateful for truly not knowing. I am grateful for seeing I genuinely wish for and welcome all being stripped away, and also for the resistance.
I am grateful for fear about the future.
I am grateful for the inner tension making it difficult to sleep, and instead of meeting the experience or inquiry sometimes distracting myself (movie, podcast, internet). I am grateful for the times I meet the experience or do inquiry.
I am grateful for realizing that last full moon, it was 3-4 feet snow and cold, and now it’s full spring.
I am grateful for the reminder to take responsibility for my choices, how I relate to situations etc.. And also remembering that whenever I complain, go into victim mode etc. it’s an invitation to notice how I don’t take responsibility.
I am grateful for seeing that if I am disappointed when people don’t get back to me, or take a long time getting back to me, or seem slow in getting together with me for tea, a walk etc., perhaps I should take my own advice and get back to people, get back to them sooner, and not be so slow in setting up a time for us to get together (because I do that as much as it happens to me).
I am grateful for some/many nights with an experience of strong inner struggle and of no landmarks – of everything dissolving. I am grateful for the fear that comes up. I am grateful it’s difficult for me to befriend/welcome this. I am grateful for thinking/fearing I am losing my mind when it’s happening.
I am grateful for seeing that my situation seems simple from the outside, and yet feels very complicated and murky from the inside.
I am grateful for talking with friends today, and spending the day in Oslo.
I am grateful for asking to be shown what I need to see (not “what’s left” this time!), and for this surfacing. I am grateful for wanting to be sure to include “in a gentle way that allows beliefs to fall away”.
I am grateful for the sense of intense struggle going on in me.
I am grateful for feeling humbled by the dream this morning.
I am grateful for wishing for a more even keel – allowing, welcoming, being experiences and states as they come and go without having to label “good”, “bad” etc.
I am grateful for not falling asleep until 7am.
I am grateful for acknowledging the fear and lack of trust in myself, and for noticing how it sits in the body.
I am grateful for the frozen areas of me and for noticing it in how I am in life and in how I experience myself (including energetically).
I am grateful for seeing that when I believe I am not lovable, I am not available to the love that’s here – from myself and others.
I am grateful for a deluge of beliefs and emotions last night, while in bed. I am grateful for not falling asleep until several hours later. I am grateful for attempting inquiry but with not much apparent success. I am grateful for seeing how my thoughts *wants* to make those beliefs seem true, even if it goes in directions that are obviously absurd/onesided. One of the core beliefs: I am not lovable.
I am grateful for the sickening feeling of dread in my body.
I am grateful for a sense of lightness and clarity tonight.
I am grateful for the feeling that everything is dissolving when I am in bed, and for a while after waking up. (As an insect in a pupa.) I am grateful for seeing that I use the pupa story for comfort since it’s a story about a future.
I am grateful for the book by David Berceli arriving today.
I am grateful for beautiful spring weather – sun and melting snow.
I am grateful for how regret about the past, fear about the future, and dismay about the present tend to surface when I am more tired and “off” physically. I am grateful for how this helps me see my beliefs.
I am grateful for noticing how my stories make my situation look completely different, even if the situation itself is the same.
I am grateful for my walk in the woods after sunset, in a landscape covered in snow lit up by a beautiful moon just rising among and over the trees.
I am grateful for one of my sweetest and smartest friends having trouble in her life – out of work, her mother possibly being scammed by mom’s new boyfriend etc. I am grateful she is able to live with her father and that she has good friends.
I am grateful for not knowing how my health will be in the future.
I am grateful for J. saying “those are the best ones” when I confessed I was doing an inquiry I was embarrassed about.
– M. 15 –
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