As a kid, I had several instances where I remembered how it was before incarnation. I was outside with the sun filtering through the leaves and a light breeze, and suddenly there is a flash back to how it was. Infinite love and wisdom. Luminosity. A complete sense of being home.
I also remember my family moving to another house in the same small town when I was four or five months old, and seeing it all from above. I have images of my parents walk up to the new house with me in a stroller, something large square and white is in front of the house, the wall paper has a certain pattern and color and the walls are soon after painted white. All of this was confirmed by my parents when I asked them about it in my late teens. I realize I really didn’t want to incarnate, to embody, until I had to when this body started moving and talking more consciously.
In a recent session with Barry, we started with a current issue and traced the theme and decisions behind it back through my life and several situations, until it went back to this time prior to incarnation. There is infinite love and wisdom, luminosity, a complete sense of being home. Several beings are there and it is clear I need to incarnate. They tell me it is first for my own sake, then for the sake of others, and that this isn’t really about me – it’s part of a much larger process. A part of me accepts this, but another part is resisting with everything it’s got. There is an immense fear, dread and terror, and also anger, sadness, grief and a tremendous resistance. There is a sense that something terrible is happening, and that I cannot trust life or Existence if it can do this to me. This part of my psyche decides to prove to the universe it made a mistake by letting me be born, with the hope that the situation will be reversed. As I am incarnated, there is a terrible sense of loss.
The part of my psyche that’s deeply wounded by this experience decides to protect me from future losses by holding me back, and it may also be behind several instances in my life where I had exactly what I wished for, let it go, and regretted it afterwards. My psyche may have set up a pattern of repeating this experience of having just what I wish for and then losing it.
I see a few different reasons why this pattern of loss is happening: (a) An invitation to recognize what was here prior to invitation – infinite love, wisdom and presence – right here now independent of content of experience. This – whatever the experience may be – is God too. (b) The deeply wounded part of my psyche is recreating this experience of loss so this part of me can be seen, felt, loved, so it can find release from its suffering. It want’s attention. It wants liberation from it’s suffering. (c) The wounded part of me is holding me back from situations I wish for – situations that feels right and good – to protect me from loss. It comes from love and want to protect me, even if it’s strategy is misguided and comes from innocent confusion. There too, it creates pain because it wishes liberation from its suffering and confusion. It wishes to align more with reality.
When the presence and infinite love and wisdom is gone, is it really gone? The sun goes behind a cloud, and a part of me tells itself it’s gone! It’s a terrible loss. Something terrible happened. It will never come back. I am a victim. I am a victim of the universe.
Some beliefs to look at:
It’s lost. The infinite love and wisdom is lost. It will never come back.
I need to destroy MoE to protect him. I need to destroy MoE so the universe realizes it made a mistake and reverses what happened.
I need to destroy MoE to protect him against disappointment.
Something terrible happened. I am wounded. It’s a core wound.
I am a victim. I am a victim of the universe.
- primary loss
- memories from childhood, infinite love and wisdom, luminosity, completely at home
- then told by several beings i had to be incarnated, for my own sake first and then for the sake of others, and also that it’s not really about me
- dread, terror, anger, sadness, grief, sense of loss
- made a decision to prove to the universe it made a mistake by letting me be born – want to protect me, confused, wounded
- pattern of having something wonderful, then lose it – let it go
- the dread/terror, grief, regrets etc. all related to this
- aspects of the psyche/subpersonalities surfacing to align, come aboard
- recognize it never went away, it’s here, independent of states/experience it’s here
I did a session with Barry yesterday and today, and
– a decision by an aspect of my psyche/subpersonality to protect me by holding me back