Admitting I don’t know

 

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a phase where I explored astrology, palmistry and psychics. It was mostly out of curiosity, although there was also an element of wishing to find a sense of safety. There was a belief that I could find a sense of safety knowing – or thinking I could know – something about who I am and my future.

I knew I couldn’t know, of course. And there was quickly little interest in those topics (apart from as projections, and then working with those projections).

Now, there is a genuine relief in not knowing. I see the stress inherent in thinking I know something about who I am (identities) or the future. And – through specific examples – I find the freedom and availability in seeing I don’t know and cannot know.

Every psychic in the world may say I will live until I am 95. And the truth is that I don’t know. That’s more true. More peaceful. More aligned with reality.

If I believe anything about the future, I am at odds with reality. A psychic told me I would be in relationship with a light blond woman and it hasn’t happened yet. If I believe it will happen, I filter any woman through that story. Is she the one? I like this one, but she doesn’t have blond hair – does that mean she is not the one? It’s uncomfortable, and it’s based on something that’s not true for me.

Is there further to go? Yes. It can always be more clear. There is always more to explore and discover in exploring these thoughts.

I can find safety in thoughts. (In taking thoughts as true.)

I know. I can know. I need to know. It’s better to know.

[What I was told by a psychic, astrologer, palmistry guy] is true.

And then to find balance:

I cannot know. It’s safer to not know.

I need to not know.

 

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