Heartache

 

I have heartache coming up these days, and it’s been that way for a while. It may have been triggered by the TRE, inquiry and/or the dark night, or perhaps just a wish and receptivity for a deeper healing. In the end, it’s just life itself wishing it to be seen, felt and loved, seeking for old wounds to heal and beliefs to unravel.

It seems to come from very early childhood experiences. There is an image of lying in a crib, alone in a dark room, and beliefs such as nobody loves me, I am abandoned, I am alone, I am lost, I will die, something terrible has happened.

I see how this later in life translated to a belief that nobody will want a relationship with me (clearly not true, but felt true), which led to letting several opportunities pass where there was mutual interest, love and soul connection, and then disappointment.

Here are some questions for myself as the heartache surfaces:

How is it to meet this heartache with love, compassion, kindness?

Is it true it’s unbearable? Is it true it’s not already love and held in love?

What are the fears and beliefs behind it? (Write a list, take to inquiry).

And a set of beliefs I can take to inquiry….

I see I have beliefs about the heartache itself:

It’s unbearable. It’s overwhelming. I can’t stand it.

It’s terrible. It means something terrible happened. It means something terrible will happen.

Beliefs from early childhood/infancy:

Nobody loves. I am abandoned. I am alone. I am lost. I will die. It’s terrible to die. Something terrible has happened/will happen.

Beliefs later in life:

Nobody will want a relationship with me. I am/will be alone. I can’t ask for what I want (an intimate relationship).

And now:

It’s an old wound. It prevents me from living fully. I am unavailable to what’s here now (b/c of it). It will never heal/resolve.

 Note: Here is what seems to happen these days…. The heartache comes up strongly after going to bed some nights. I tend to resist and then shift into meeting it more with compassion. It goes away (poof) after a couple of hours. And there is a more open heart the following day.

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