I scheduled a session with Barry to explore the core hurt I have noticed behind any reactivity (any beliefs, resistance to fear) that’s here. My words and experiences are in italic.
Core hurt, keep revisiting and revisiting, until the groove in the record gradually heals.
Ask to be taken to the seed, the root of the core wound.
I sense the deep integrity you have, I think you are pretty much out of the woods now.
Feel your desire to be taken back in space and time, regress back to the moment where the next piece of this core wounding occurred.
My mother, thinking/trusting she was there for me and she wasn’t, rejected me somehow. Feel dizzy, not grounded, stunned. The muscles in my calves tighten. She was a big part of my world, almost my whole world, and she wasn’t there for me.
Drop into the feeling, the emotional charge.
Anger. Hurt. Disbelief. Shaky. Numb. It’s safer to be numb. Feel it in my heart area. Raw. There is a decision to not fully be here. Uneasy feeling in stomach. Tightening jaw (anger). My sense it it happened very early. She may have been there physically but not otherwise, rejected me somehow. She had more than enough with her own life at the time.
There was a real need there, and that need not being met. See that your mother wasn’t able to be there. She was too full of her own considerations to be there, fully connect with you. It’s not rejection. She didn’t say “no” to you, or that she didn’t want to be there for me. She was too busy, too full of her own issues. Bring us full circle, give ourselves what we didn’t get. Otherwise, never ending search for the mother that wasn’t there, and we never get it, not from any woman, it doesn’t happen. Just end up playing the initial drama of the wounding. This is the final door out. You give up. There is no woman, no idealized woman, who can give you that or heal that for you. It can be a little bit of shattering experience, because so much of the self was built up around it. Now what. What is the purpose of relationship now.
God is love. Love is all there is. I am that.
All the remaining walls of separation begins to dissolve. Love is our very nature. It’s the greatest charade to think we can lack it, or be hurt because someone doesn’t give it to us. For most people, it involves making a conscious choice to embrace themselves, to love themselves in every moment. With all our quirks, idiosyncrasies, imperfections, whatever. It’s what we wanted from our mother. Some people also create a relationship with the Divine Mother, or some aspect of the Divine Mother.
(Can I love myself, even when I feel hurt?)
It’s a big part of the hurt. Every feeling. Every desire. Love ourselves no matter what’s there. That’s how the healing really occurs. It allows all those still wounded shadow parts that didn’t think they could come out to come out. The whole basis of the separate self is the wound of self-denial. If a baby was allowed to unfold itself, as a plant in nature, to unfold itself, to express itself, with nothing but love from its parents, there would be no part of their essential nature that wouldn’t unfold. Every time there is a rejection, from parents, teacher, society, that’s a part of our essential nature that’s suppressed, denied and judged. That’s why the planet is full of dead, little robots. I really think what works for you now is to observe how much you are able to love yourself, consciously commit yourself to that. I was shocked and amazed how much I was walled off from myself, how much self-hatred I had, how much I believed there were parts of me that were not OK, the basic belief something is wrong with me. It’s at the core of everyone’s wounding, there is something wrong with me, fundamentally defective, bad, evil. And love is the only thing that burns through it all. Witness it. Nondual consciousness, for instance. Love transforms. Total love and acceptance. Watching every one you meet in the course of the day, and every one you recoil from is a rejected part of you. It’s an incredible path.
(Can I meet every one as Christ, as the Divine? How would it be to meet every one as the Divine?)
The feeling of hurt is coming up strongly again. (Is it true it’s not already loved? Is it true it’s not already love?)
See if you can open up to it, embrace it.
There is a tight little ball of resistance, rejection, self-hatred. (Notice how it is to embrace it, open to it.) Feel ready to commit to it now.
I think this is your final path out, see it as your path. The gift of it, begins to spill over, begin to feel love for everyone, every thing. And it begins with us. Ask to be put in contact with universal love, for it to fill your aura. Every one is to one degree or another defended against that love. What we want and need most, universal love, is what we subconsciously is defended against. It will hurt too much, I will be taken advantage of. By making the journey to love, all that comes to the surface to be loved, to be seen as the illusions they are. When we are wholly love, there is nothing that can harm us. The heart beat of God is love.
For me it always circle back to this, as an incarnate human being, the journey to realization, love stands in the middle of it. What Jesus came to bring. What Christ brought was love, enlovenment, to realize that God is love, love is all there is. If we had that realized to the bottom of our feet, the world would change.
Note: Following this session, there was a good deal of vigorous shaking, first shoulders (side to side), then legs, then shoulders again, and finally arms and hands while standing.
My mother wasn’t there for me. My mother rejected me. It’s safer to be numb.
If I open up to this hurt, it’s too much. I am too vulnerable. It’s not safe.