In a way you may be experiencing the opposite of the non-dual state which is the state of the great mother where she holds it all and it is all hers.
– in an email from Barry
It’s difficult for me to find words that capture this for me, probably because it’s still not very clear for me. And I have written about it before.
During the initial awakening phase, lasting about ten years, Big Mind was relatively awake to itself, although there were some remaining confusion as well. Whatever happened – the world, any experience – was clearly recognized as consciousness, the Divine, God, Spirit. And there was no separation. At the same time, there was a knowing that it could be more clear, and could go deeper somehow, be embodied more fully and in a more rich, deep and juicy way.
During the following dark night of the soul phase, there were glimpses of another way reality could reveal itself to itself. Big Mind was still there, recognizing all as itself, and yet it was as if it was more felt and happening inside of everything, inside of every experience. This was sometimes accompanied with a sense of luminous blackness, Big Mind and everything as luminous blackness, held within it, appearing from within it and as it. And there was a sense that this was (one aspect and “level” of) the divine feminine.
Now, the luminous black is not here so much. And yet, there is an even more felt shift into/as the “divine mother” holding everything within and as herself. It’s felt in the body in a very different way from the initial phase where it was more seen and recognized (head, yang) and loved (heart).
Now, it’s revealed more fully as love. It’s more happening from within any experience, anything that’s here. It feels much more related to the divine feminine, the great mother. And – it seems – it’s much more happening from within the belly and body, or perhaps more accurately aided by shifts in the belly and body.
And, I have to admit, it’s sometimes quite confusing. There is sometimes a real sense of losing the mind (and fear of madness, from a belief of course). There is a real sense that this shift is incompatible with relying on any familiar idea, identity or identification. There is a real sense it wants to shift into something quite different from what’s been familiar in the past, at least in this life.
When Barry says it’s the opposite of a nondual state, that’s quite true in a way. It’s the mirror opposite of the more yang, Big Mind facet of reality revealing itself to itself. This one is more felt, more associated with the belly and body, and perhaps further from what I was consciously aware of before this whole process started. Although the initial phase seemed to require all of me, this one seems to do so again and even more so. And it does seem to include a reorganization at a primal and emotional level of my human self. Not just seeing and recognizing whatever is there – primal fears etc. – as the divine too, as happened during the initial phase, but a deep reorganization and realignment of it.