I have had several days recently – off and on – where I experienced something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It felt mostly as a congestion at all levels. After asking for guidance, something shifted while in bed last night. I found the fear behind the experience, and felt it. And then realized that what I was experiencing was a silent, primal “no” to existence. As I saw this, something shifted further and the experience moved on. It must have been yet another very basic layer surfacing to be seen, felt, and loved.
That’s the short summary written the day after. And here is the initial, longer and more rambling post:
I have felt something that’s difficult to put words on recently. A sense of congestion, contraction, resistance, maybe best described as a silent, wordless, primal “no” to existence, deeply felt in the body. I assume this is yet another layer surfacing to be seen, felt, loved.
I notice my instinct is to just feel it, be with it for a while. I may write down some stories I notice. And otherwise, I tend to rest, go for walks, allow it to move and pass through.
I also see that behind it is fear and a silent, quiet dread. Noticing and feeling this fear and dread, something shifts. There is a sense of coming home, relief, truth. It’s all wordless and simple.
And, as so often, it’s also helpful – at another time – to sit down and write all the stories that surface, the beliefs behind the fear, dread and resistance. What does it say? (Here too, I find it’s quite basic and primal. Nobody loves me. I shouldn’t feel this way. Something terrible will happen. I won’t have enough money. I am a victim of life. These are all stories that on the surface clearly are not true, yet they come from a very tender place in me, perhaps a very early hurt, and very early and primal fears and beliefs.)
There is a lot more to say about this. It seems that behind any resistance, anger, impulse to (find safety through) figure things out and map it out, grief, sense of congestion, unease, tension and so on is fear. And when I don’t notice this fear, this unnoticed fear comes out in any of these ways. It fuels beliefs and all the consequences of these beliefs. When I notice the fear behind it, something shifts. There is a sense of coming home, of truth, even appreciation and a quiet gratitude.
And, as mentioned above, behind this fear are some beliefs, and it can also – perhaps later – be very helpful to write down these beliefs, and then take them to inquiry.
Also as mentioned before, it seems that life is in a hurry with me now. It seems to want to most basic and primal fears and beliefs to be seen, felt and – eventually – loved. It may be confusing for a while, even if I have experienced something similar many times before. I pray for guidance. And then there is a shift. Something may reveal itself.
And right now, even if I “finally” realized that this was about a primal, silent “no” to existence, notice and feel the fear behind it, and notice a shift, it’s still here, and that’s OK. It’s a guest, a visitor, a child wishing to be held and loved.
Note: This has surfaced off and on for a while, and I haven’t quite been able to put words on the experience or what it’s about. It was only after I noticed and felt the fear behind it, tonight, that I realized it seems to be a silent, primal “no” to existence. Before that, it felt more like congestion at all – energetic, emotional, cognitive, behavioral – levels. And, of course, this silent “no” was, and partly is, a “no” to this experience as well, to this “no” itself.
Note about the fear: When I say I noticed and felt the fear behind the sense of congestion, it means consciously staying with it, noticing the fear is already allowed, being with it as a friend. Sitting with it as a friend.
Note about the silent “no”: This silent, primal “no” to existence seems to correspond to a deep sense of contraction in the body, and it’s there at all levels – energetic, emotional, cognitive and in behavior and relationships. It may come from very early in life, perhaps as early as from the initial seeds of identification as a being separate from the world, and the vulnerability that comes with it.
Update: After (a) feeling the fear behind it and (b) noticing it was a primal “no”, it moved on and I feel fine now a couple of hours later (of course, I felt fine then too even if I resisted it). I also notice a release of energy.