My mother doesn’t love me.
Situation: (a) Alone in a crib in a dark room. (b) My mother ignoring me. (c) My mother yelling at me. (d) My mother not believing me.
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I don’t love me
When I believe she doesn’t love me, I don’t love me.
(I withhold love from myself, because I take it to mean I am unlovable.)
When I believe she doesn’t love me, my attention is on her, not here for me.
When I believe she doesn’t love me, I don’t take care of myself.
My mother does love me
There are many examples: She has always been there for me. She told and tells me so.
I don’t love my mother
When I believe she doesn’t love me, I don’t love her.
(I prevent myself from noticing my love for her.)
My mother does love me.
I’ll explore how that’s true for me, while staying with each of the situations listed above.
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Situation: In a crib, alone in a dark room.
My mother doesn’t love me because….
I did something wrong. I am not lovable.
My mother doesn’t love me and that means….
I am unlovable. I will be alone, lost. I will die.
Something is wrong. Life is unkind. Something terrible will happen.
I shouldn’t be here.
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Byron Katie said she worked on this thought for three years following her awakening, and I am beginning to see how helpful it may be for me to investigate it more closely for myself. It seems to be behind or at least support some other very primal fears and beliefs, held at an emotional level.
The instances above I remember/imagine I had that thought, and believed it. As with many beliefs about my parents, there are innumerable examples of where I had the opposite thought.
What’s especially interesting for me about this inquiry is:
(a) The emotional charge around this belief seems to have stayed with me, and now surface – perhaps because of the dark night and/or TRE.
(b) This is an inquiry it seems very helpful to stay with over time – hours, days, even weeks or months, to see what comes up, allowing it to sink in.
(c) How is it to notice that the person I am with loves me, independent of what he or she says or does? How would it be to live from that noticing?
(d) How is it for me to notice my love for the other person, independent of how I feel or think about that person?
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I have returned to this inquiry for some days now, especially the TA my mother does love me.
I bring one of the situations I identified to mind, and stay with the TA.
Can I find where it’s true?
How is it to feel it, take it in?
It’s very powerful. What’s perhaps most powerful is noticing she loved me even in those situations.
She was just confused. And I was confused when I believed my thoughts about her. We were both a bit confused.
This seems to shift something in other situations as well.
I notice my love for myself and others, independent of confusion or clarity.
And I have an image of the love of others being there, independent of what they say or do.
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