Resistance to incarnation

 

As a child, I had “flashbacks” from before incarnation. I would be out in the sunshine, see the sun filtered through leaves, a remember how it was before I was incarnated. Infinite love, complete sense of being home, a presence of and communication with other “beings”, and all formless golden light.

I write “beings” in quotation marks since it’s all a seamless field of love, and yet with individual presences within it. And when I write love it’s the same as awareness, God, Brahman, Buddha Mind, Big Mind/Heart etc.

Another image – or memory? – is of a presence of eight-twelve infinitely wise and loving beings, a knowing that it’s time for me to incarnate, and not wanting to at all. I knew it was the right time to incarnate, right for me and the world, and yet there was a deep resistance to it. It triggered deep fears and beliefs, and a sense of being a victim of circumstances.

Here are some of my beliefs, uncensored:

God is pushing me into something that will be my ruin. God is pushing me. It will be my ruin.

God is making me a victim. I am a victim.

God is heartless, crazy, misguided, mistaken, hateful.

God should help me remember. God shouldn’t allow me to forget.

I also find situations in early childhood where I have these thoughts about one or both of my parents. It’s doesn’t really matter if these thoughts first came up with my parents, and then got put on God, or the other way around. I can still do inquiry on these type of thoughts in both types of situations.

Additional beliefs:

It will be my ruin because…. I will make mistakes. I will forget. I will block my awareness of love. I will lose connection with love/God. I will be lost.

Why is it the best for me, others and the world that I incarnate now?

Best for me: It’s a period of history where different forms of explorations – inquiry, meditation, body-centered, relationship and group practices – are more available. It’s a period where sustainability is an issue, and it feels good for me to work on that. It seems that my inclinations and passions match what’s available and/or emerging today.

Best for others: Several people have said they appreciate who I am, and my work in sustainability, health (Breema, TRE), inquiry. They feel what I said or did was helpful to them.

Best for the world: I have something to contribute when it comes to health, spiritual explorations, sustainability, shifts into a new cultural phase. My inclinations and passions seem to fit what the world “needs” today.

Note: There is also a third memory here, of my family and I moving to the house I grew up in. My parents and older brother walk from the old to the new house, with me in a trolley, and I see it all from 50-100 meters above. There is something large, white and square in front of the house. I go from room to room, and remember the details of the wallpaper in each room, and knew that my father painted it over within a few weeks. I was four or five months old, and when I described this to my parents in my mid-teens, they confirmed it was all accurate. This may be another indication that I resisted being more fully incarnated, as long as I could.

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– child, memories of before incarnation –
– also, not wanting to be incarnated, resisting

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– asking for help from where I am from
– ask for me to be open to healing

 

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