Humbling process

 

Life is a humbling process in many ways, and the path of a more sincere exploration especially so.

For many years, I used to think I could meet any situation in a sane and productive way. I could open to it, allow it, meet it with love, recognize it as love. And I mostly did, so there was a reason for that thought. I would tell people that whatever happens is a gift, and it’s all about how we relate to it. Although it was a lived reality for me, it also became a belief and an identity, a way to feel  safe, to feel better about myself, worth something and so on.

Then, predictably, there was a reversal. My capacity to meet what’s here with an open heart and love, and recognize it as God and love, went out the window. And the intensity of what came up had it’s volume turned up higher than what I could have imagined. So I ended up trying to escape, avoid, distract myself, pray for deliverance. I got to see that what I had told myself and others in the previous phase of my life, wasn’t always so easy to do. I had known that, of course, and through this I got to know it in a different way, a lived way.

Note: And who is to say that distraction, avoidance, praying for deliverance aren’t perfectly sane and loving ways of relating to it? Sometimes, it may be. It’s a good thought to investigate.

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Life is a humbling process in many ways, and the path of sincere exploration especially so.

For many years, I used to think I could meet any situation in a sane and productive way. I could open to it, allow it, meet it with love, recognize it as love, etc. And I mostly did, so there was a reason for that thought. And it became a belief and an identity, a way to feel more safe, to feel better, worth something and so on.

Then, predictably, there was a shift. My capacity to meet whatever here with an open heart and love, and recognize it as God and love, went out the window. And the volume of the intensity of what came up was turned up quite high. So I ended up trying to escape, avoid, distract myself, pray for deliverance. I got to see that what I had talked about to others in the previous phase of my life, wasn’t always so easy to do. I had known that, of course, and through this I got to know it in a different way, a lived way.

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