I want them to know how much I have suffered.
Situation: An inquiry from the perspective of a woman who lost her husband and children in a raid by foreign men.
This image came up in a session with Barry, and this statement is from a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet written from her perspective.
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Is it true?
Can you be certain it’s true.
What happens, how do you react, when you have that belief?
I feel hard, focused on this want.
I try to figure out how to make it happen.
Feel hopeless, dependent on them knowing how much I have suffered.
Tied to them, a victim of the situation, helpless.
Anger, frustration, helplessness, sadness, grief.
Paralyzed, deaden my face and body.
Unable to enjoy what’s here.
(Enjoyment feels like a betrayal – of my husband/children, what happened.)
Obsessing about them knowing.
(Not here for myself.)
A victim of them, now.
(Since I cannot control them, and am dependent on them knowing.)
Who would you be without that thought?
Relaxed, here for me.
Kind to myself.
Able to enjoy pleasure in my body.
(Willing to be a traitor to the belief, suffering.)
I want me to know how much I have suffered.
I want me to bear witness, take it in.
I want me to know how much I have suffered from this belief.
I want me to know how much I have suffered from my beliefs about this situation.
I don’t want them to know how much I have suffered.
Not unless it’s genuine, it happens for them.
It’s not changing anything for me (unless I believe it does).
I want them to know how much I have found clarity.
It’s an example of another way.
Clarity comes w. love for them (feels good).
With this and the other inquiries I have done from this JYN so far, I notice that it’s difficult to feel and take in #4.
I can see how it may be without the thought, and yet cannot feel it completely.
Some beliefs to look at behind this:
I am a traitor to my husband/children if I don’t suffer.
I am a traitor to my husband/children if I don’t hold onto these beliefs.
My husband/children would want me to suffer.
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