Over the last few weeks or months, something new has happened for me. Occasionally, with some days or weeks in between each time, my systems go into what I can best describe as “shut down” mode. There is a sense of congestion at all levels – physical, emotional and mental – and if I can, I spend the day for myself, drinking water, waiting for it to pass. It feels quite physical, and it seems it may be triggered by dehydration.
As so much, this too shows me what’s left. I have several thoughts brought to the surface when this happens:
I need to understand what’s happening. I need to understand what triggers it.
I should be able to relate to it with more clarity/maturity/love. I should find love for me when it happens.
It’s better to meet it as a friend. (To be with it, allow it it’s life.)
I should be further along. It’s better to be further along.
Others are disappointed in me. Others will judge me. (When I cancel appointments, am not as engaged as I normally am.)
Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my body / mind.
I need it to pass. Another experience is better.
Earlier, what came up had more to do with fatigue. And this one is a bit different. What it reminds me of is some occasional “shut downs” that happened for me in my teens and early twenties, when life didn’t go my way. I know I tried to push it aside at the time and go on stoically with my day, so it’s possible that it’s coming up now to have it’s life and perhaps release and move through.
– at times, contraction, puzzling, related to dehydration?, reminds me of times in teens/early twenties when got into contraction (anger, disappointment, held it in), may surface now to get out of the system?
– less fatigue, more a sense of congestion/contraction at all levels
I need to understand, I should be able to relate to it differently, I should love it/me, I should be further along, I am disappointing to others, people will judge me (see me as weird, immature, lazy, making excuses), something is wrong, something is wrong with my body, something is wrong with my mind, I need to it pass,