I need it to change.
(It’s better if it changes. Something else is better.)
Situation: The unlovable “wound” surfacing.
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Is it true?
Do you know for certain it’s true?
What happens, how do you react, when you have that thought?
I see the unlovable wound as wrong, something that needs to change.
I have thoughts about it:
It’s wrong. It needs to change. Something else is better.
It’s better if it changes. I should be over it by now.
I beat myself up for not knowing what to do about it.
I should know what to do about it.
Something needs to be done about it.
It needs to be fixed. It needs to be healed.
I don’t know how to relate to it.
I am unable to relate to it in a helpful/mature/informed way.
I try to make it change.
I try strategies for making it change.
Whatever I do – being with it, inquiry – is motive driven.
It’s done to make it change.
I feel needy. In my mind, I explore options for finding help.
I battle myself and the unlovable wound.
My body tenses up. My jaw tightens. My shoulders tense.
My breath is tense and more shallow.
I have images of the future:
I will battle the unlovable wound indefinitely.
It won’t change.
It will ruin my life.
I will make bad decisions because of it.
Who would you be without the thought I need it to change?
Noticing it – the feelings, images – as fullness.
Befriending what’s here.
Being with it. Being it.
Notice I am it.
Easier to find love for what’s here.
Easier to find love for the images, thoughts here.
I need me to change.
What surfaces in itself is OK. It’s how I meet it that’s painful.
I don’t need it to change.
I shared with K about it today, and shifted into rest, even love for it.
It goes through like a storm, and doesn’t leave many or any real traces.
It’s here so I don’t – and life doesn’t – “need” it to change.
I need it to stay.
It supports me in seeking out a new way or relating to it. My old and familiar approaches seem to have reached a dead end.
It supports me in questioning my thoughts about it, and how I am used to relating to it.
It supports me in finding love for what’s here, including the thought-feeling I am unlovable.
It supports me in connecting in a deeper and more real way with friends, when I share what’s going on for me.
It supports me in understanding – in a real and felt sense – how it is to try to change something, and not being able to.
It supports me in understanding the pain inherent in trying to change something that’s here.
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It’s a wound.
TA: It’s not a wound.
I can only find “wound” in an image and label.
TA: It’s healing.
It supports me to find clarity on my thoughts of being unlovable.
That it’s here now supports me in healing something that may have been with me for a while.
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It’s a feeling of being unlovable.
TA: It’s not a feeling of being unlovable.
It’s a feeling – or rather sensations – in my chest.
Unlovable is only there in images and thoughts.
TA: It’s a feeling of being lovable.
It supports me in finding love for it, and how it is – and I am – lovable.
I can find where a feeling of being unlovable is lovable. A child that feels unlovable is very lovable. And I can find the same for adults, and for myself.
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