Situation: My mother shouting at me and blaming me for her breaking something in the kitchen while I was in the living room playing. I was four or five years old.
1. I am afraid of my mother because she is angry at me.
2. I want my mother to not be angry at me, to love me, to understand I didn’t do anything, to love herself.
3. My mother shouldn’t be angry at me, she shouldn’t shout at me, she should love me, she should breathe and calm down, she should find clarity.
4. I need my mother to love me, to love herself, to tell me it’s all OK, to tell me I am OK.
5. My mother is angry, confused, upset, afraid, hurt, blinded.
6. I don’t ever want my mother to be angry at me again.
She is angry at me, and that means…. She doesn’t love me. She will leave me. I will be alone. I will be lost. I will suffer. I will die.
She is angry at me because…. There is something wrong with me. I did something wrong. I am not lovable. I should be punished.
– 0 –
She doesn’t love me.
(She is angry at me, and that means she doesn’t love me.)
#3 afraid, lost, I don’t have a future, she will abandon me, she will reject me, i will be alone, i will suffer, i will die, nobody will take care of me, i don’t understand what’s happening, i don’t understand why she is angry, i compare images of then – when i thought she loved me – and now, i am afraid of her, i don’t trust her, i try to make myself small, i try to not upset her more, i avoid her when i can, i see myself as helpless / small / weak, i don’t say much or anything, i feel hurt
#4 – i feel more connected to her, i feel more calm, i don’t assume that anger means she doesn’t love me, my mind is open to other ways of thinking about her anger,
TA: I don’t love me.
I blame myself, tell myself I did something wrong, so I am not available to my own love for myself.
I am so afraid I can’t notice I love me.
I believe the scary images and scare myself.
TA: She does love me.
Behind the anger is love.
It didn’t last that long, and afterwards it was clear she loves me.
She loved me enough to not hurt me.
TA: I don’t love her.
I am so caught up in fear I can’t notice I love her.
I am caught up in scary images of the future, so can’t notice my love for her.
I was angry and wanted revenge, so I wasn’t available to my love for her.
TA: She doesn’t hate me.
In that situation, she was very frustrated, in despair. That’s more true than that she hated me.
I haven’t seen signs of her hating me.
If she did feel/think she hated me, it would be her images of me she hated.
– 0 –
She loves me.
TA: She doesn’t love me.
Love is universal, all inclusive. It’s not specifically for me.
If she thinks she loves me, she loves an image of me.
Is there a she and me and love? I can only find those in images and labels.
– 0 –