This is one of the thoughts that is clearly not true at a conscious level. And yet, at times, it feels true. It seems to be held as true at an emotional level, and I also see how this belief sometimes plays itself out in my life. Life is kind, so this confusion sometimes bubbles to the surface to be felt and seen, including right now. If I am very still, and very honest, what beliefs do I find here? What beliefs support or underpin the thought that I am unlovable? What images do I see?
I am unlovable.
Nobody likes me. Situation: Early school days.
Nobody likes me because…. They think I am weird. They see me as not good enough. Nobody likes me and that means…. I will be alone forever. I will suffer. I will die.
Nobody loves me. Situation: Two or three times when my parent’s were angry at me when I was very little.
My parents don’t love me because…. They got angry at me. They left me in the crib alone at night. My parents don’t love me and that means…. I will be alone. I will suffer. I will die.
She chose someone else. Situation: In my late teens/early twenties, with M, B, and E.
She chose someone else because…. She saw me as not good enough. I didn’t tell her how much she meant to me. I let a wonderful opportunity pass. She chose someone else, and that means…. I am unlovable. I won’t find anyone else. I lost my soul mate. I missed out of a wonderful life.
I let the opportunity for a relationship pass, and that means….. I made a huge mistake. My life got off track. I missed out of a wonderful life. I won’t find anything like that again.
I let the opportunity for a relationship pass, and that means….. I went away from God’s plan with me. I left God’s plan with my life. I won’t be able to get back on track. God has given up on me. My life is ruined.
I am unlovable. Where is the proof?
I was born. God let me be born into this life. I was born against my will. God set me up to suffer. God let me suffer. God let me make mistakes.
My mother was angry at me. Situation: She blamed me for her breaking something in the kitchen when I was in another room (4-6 years old).
My father was angry at me. Situation: At a rented cabin in the mountains one summer, 5-6 years old.
They didn’t like me. They didn’t include me. I wasn’t one of them. They gave me “the look” when I raised my hand to answer the teacher. Situation: Some kids in elementary school.
She (M) gave me an ultimatum. She (B, E) chose someone else. She (M, B, E) didn’t want a relationship with me. Situation: With M, and with B and E in my late teens/early twenties.
She chose someone else because… She didn’t want me. I wasn’t good enough. She chose someone else, and that means…. I won’t ever get a similar opportunity again. I won’t ever find anyone like that again.
I didn’t find anyone else. I didn’t meet anyone else I had the same connection with. Situation: After the situations with M, B and E, during my twenties.
My old friends have left me. The ones I have the deepest soul connection with leave me. Situation: After the dark night happened, and I also got cf, my old friends from my twenties, have left me, the ones I had a deep soul connection with.
What do I fear would happen if I didn’t have the thought I am unlovable?
I wouldn’t find love. Nobody would love me. (Out of pity, empathy.)
There is nothing on the other side. It’s empty.
It’s hopeless. Inquiry can’t help me with this.
I am not up to the task.
It needs to change. It’s wrong. I should be over it. It’s not loving to have this belief.
If I don’t get clarity on this wound, I will continue to make bad decisions. I’ll stop myself from having money, having the job I want, live in a place I enjoy, being in a nurturing relationship.
This wound / bubble of confusion keeps coming up because…. I am not doing it right. I don’t get it.
This wound keeps coming up, and that means…. I will always suffer. I will mess up my life. I will continue to make bad decisions. I won’t allow myself what I deepest down want. I won’t allow myself money, rewarding work, living in a place I enjoy, a nurturing relationship.