Inquiry: God doesn’t have my best interest at heart

 

God doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

Situation: Fatigue etc.

Is it true?

Yes.

Can you be certain it’s true?

No.

What happens, how do you react, when you have that belief?

I expect to not get what I want. Life is pointless, if it’s going to be like that.

Looking for things to comfort me in the short term, distract me.

Angry at God. I have an image of God as cruel, incompetent, blind, distracted. I feel abandoned by God. Overlooked.

I feel ashamed. It’s something unique to me, that God doesn’t have my best interest at heart. God left me out.

God left me out because…. I am not good enough, there is something wrong with me, I am a left over.

God left me out, and that means…. I am abandoned, alone, isolated, rejected, will suffer, am lost for eternity.

I am unable to go outside of what I think I want. I am completely locked into what I think I want.

I am unable to open for anything of value if it’s not what I (think I) want.

Who would you be without that thought?

Less resistance to life, don’t treat life as an enemy, more friendly to life, God, people, myself.

Turnaround

I don’t have my best interest at heart.

(a) When go into worst case scenarios, scare myself, don’t have my best interest at heart.

(b) When I hold back saying what’s honest for me out of a belief, a should, not wanting to influence the other.

(c) When I think I know what’s best for me.

God does have my best interest at heart.

(a) Could be true. If God is love, is wise & kind, then it’s true.

(b) God may see it as more important for me to be clear, and free of beliefs, than having the health I think I should have, having an easy life.

(c) When I lost my wallet at Findhorn, noted my beliefs, and got it back again.

(d) With fatigue, got to see and look at many thoughts around health, money, productivity, how I contribute.

(e) God may see it as more important for me to work through fears, beliefs, than having what I think I want (health, money, relationship, job I love).

I don’t have God’s best interest at heart. ***

(I don’t care for what God wants.)

(a) When I am caught up in my own fears, when I scare myself with (to me) scary images, I don’t care what God wants.

(b) This morning, when I woke up with fears about the future, I was not open to what God may want.

(c) I don’t care for what God wants for my life, I don’t care what may be the best solution, for my life as a whole.

(d) When I think, why should I have God’s interest at heart,  he should have my interest at heart.

(This is the way I saw my parents as a child. They should be there for me, and I didn’t even think it could be the other way around.)

God doesn’t have my best interest at heart!

Why is that best for me, others, the world?

(a) Then it’s up to me. God hands it over to me.

(b) There is a bigger picture. It’s not all about me.

(c) It shows me what I think is my best interest, and I am supported in questioning it.

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