As a child, I had memories of how it was before this incarnation – all as a golden divine presence with infinite love and wisdom, a sense of being deeply at home. Later on, I remembered – or at least had images of – a group (of 12 or so?) beings/presences, a knowing that it was time for me to incarnate again, and that the first half of my life would for mainly for my benefit (growing, maturing), and the second mainly for others (service, guidance). And at some level, although knowing it was the right time and for the good, I resisted. I pretended to resist.
There are other images, including of a profound sense of loss when I incarnated, and of deep disappointment in my mother, my father, life, the world and God.
How could they do this to me? Why can’t my parents live up to or match the infinite love and wisdom from before incarnation, or at least show they know? I’ll show God he (she, it) made a mistake by having me incarnate. I’ll show my parents my pain and disappointment they couldn’t match what I had. I lost something of infinite value to me. I am unfairly treated. I am a victim.
And I notice that loss is a theme in my life. The pain of losing what I tell myself is most important to me, whether it’s people, places, situations or opportunities, and the expectation of future and continued loss and pain.
This all happens within my own images now, of course.
Inquiring into this, I have found that I did agree and want the incarnation, and that what I remember from before incarnation is something I can find here now. (It’s happening here, it’s reflected in a thought, another thought says it happened in the past, and noticing that I can find it here again.) And I notice there is something still left around loss, something left to feel and see, and find as love and find love for.
Some additional thoughts for inquiry:
I lost heaven, and that means…. I am doomed, isolated, alone, will spiral down.
I lost heave because…. God is cruel. There is something wrong with me.
I lost heaven. It’s not here. What I had is not here.
My parents couldn’t match it. My parents couldn’t live up to what I had.
If I fully embrace this life, I’ll lose heaven. I miss out. I’ll forget. I am trapped.
If I incarnate fully, I’ll forget.
Unloved self. Lost self. Disappointed self.
Resentful self. Fearful of being trapped self.
Resisting incarnation self.
– loss when incarnated (infinite wisdom, love, presence, sense of being completely at home)
– expectation of continues loss, conviction even, of what’s most important to me
– sense of doom, abandonment, loss, hopeless, numb
i lost heaven, and that means…. i am doomed, isolated, alone, will spiral down
i lost heave because…. god is cruel, there is something wrong with me
i lost heaven, it’s not here, what i had is not here
disappointed in my mother, couldn’t live up to my expectations (unconditional love, infinite wisdom, divine presence)