What am I not willing to feel right now?

 

Whenever I notice a contraction, it seems to include an impulse to escape my current experience – into distraction, thought, analyzing, hopes/fears about the future, regrets about the past. It’s uncomfortable, and it feels a bit desperate. I am, in a sense, leaving myself.

You are welcome here. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.

 Another question I sometimes (quietly) ask myself is:

What am I not willing to feel right now?

Is it true I am not willing to feel it? How is it to feel it?

The feeling I am – initially – trying to escape, is often the one that shows up as the most uncomfortable and dense in immediate experience. When it’s allowed its words, it tells me it feels rejected, isolated, unwanted, unwelcome, unloved – because it is. And all it wishes is to be met, seen, felt, welcomed, recognized as love, loved. It wishes to be welcomed as it is. It wishes to be recognized for what it is, both in its initial appearance (fear, anger, sadness, grief), for its intention (to protect me), and for where it comes from (devotion for me, love for me). And it wishes for liberation – through being allowed its life, through inquiry into whatever images and thoughts held as true creating it, through being recognized for what it is in its nature (awakeness, presence, love).

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