How is it to recognize what’s here – no matter what it is – as the divine? As presence, love, awakeness? As complete? As what I seek?
What I am most afraid would happen if I recognized what’s here, no matter what thoughts may label it, as the divine? As what I seek?
I couldn’t pretend that what I am looking for isn’t here.
I wouldn’t be able to blame life or others for not having what I want.
I would be – in a sense – alone.
I wouldn’t be able to imagine something better, finding what I want, out there – in the world, in the future, in the past.
I couldn’t be a victim. I couldn’t play the victim for myself, for others.
Note: Why would I experience it as being alone? Because I couldn’t rely on the wider world – on others, past, future, God – to later give me something better.
During the initial awakening, there was a mix of recognizing what’s here as what I seek (the divine, awakeness, love, presence), and also confusing this with the secondary effects of the awakening (bliss, passion, inspiration, guidance). At a conscious level, there was a recognition of what’s here – no matter what it is – as the divine, and at an emotional level there was a holding onto images of the secondary effects of awakening as what I want, as what I hope awakening is about. There wasn’t a willingness, through and through, to welcome any experience – including what thoughts may label terrible – as the divine. I could see illness, war etc. as divine, and yet I couldn’t quite accept the loss of the secondary effects of the awakening as equally the divine.