Meeting the primal dread

 

It is as though Love is calling for an embodied radical openness and surrender, and out of fear, the creature fights that invitation somewhere in the body and a clench results. It’s as though the creature of the body is screaming, “Noooooo!”

– Jeannie Zandi in Dark Night: The Breakdown of the Mythology of Me

I am familiar with this primal dread that seems to sit in the body. I notice a part of me that wishes to run from it, and into thoughts and other distractions.

Eventually, running away from it seems pointless. The dread is still here, and the running away from it is in itself uncomfortable, it’s not very satisfying, and it takes me away from activities that are more rewarding (meditation, rest, staying with an activity).

I see that the impulse of running away comes from a wish to protect me, it comes from innocent love.

How would it be to meet the dread, and the impulse to run away?

You are welcome here.

I am sorry for having pushed you away.

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.

How would it be to quietly meet it, welcome it, find love for it? What happens when I open my heart to it?

Note: This is all happening within and as what I am, what can be called awakeness, love, presence, and “behind” that capacity for all of this. Actively and intentionally meeting what was earlier avoided is a temporary anti-dote, it’s medicine aimed at countering an old habit and deepen the grooves in a new habit of meeting what’s here with love, recognizing it as awakeness/love/presence meeting itself.

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