Dread

 

My old friend dread visited again this morning, and has stayed for a while. This time, dread is strong enough to notice and not so strong that I tell myself I am overwhelmed.

I have satsang with dread.

You are welcome here. (And notice dread is already permitted to be dread.)

Thank you for protecting me. (I take time to feel it, let it sink in, notice some of the ways it is protecting me.)

Thank you for your devotion to me. Thank you for your love for me. (This is easier to connect with after taking time with the thankfulness.)

How would you like me to be with you? (This invokes the answer and there is no need to put it into words. Although if it is put into words, it could be labeled respect, stillness, appreciation, gentle interest.)

What’s the stories behind you? The fear? (Something terrible has happened, will happen. Something is terribly wrong. Something is inherently wrong in me and existence.)

How big are you? Do you have any borders? Do you have an inside or outside? (Noticing it’s released from being bound up within imaginary boundaries.)

Who are you really? (Wordless noticing, then put into words such as presence, love, awakeness.)

I notice it sometimes helps to do inquiry quietly and sometimes wordlessly at first, and then notice that thoughts would label it. Then I get the intimacy of the wordless, and the clarity of words. I also get to see that these labels don’t quite fit, even if they are the closest thoughts can come up with.

I also see that images and thoughts puts a boundary around it, labels it dread, says it’s quite primal , and when it visits thoughts will sometimes put it on past, current and future situations.

It seems that it points to a very basic thought: Something is terribly wrong.

And related thoughts: Something terrible has happened, will happen, is happening. I cannot trust life. I cannot trust myself. There is something inherently wrong with life. There is something inherently wrong with me. (I am to blame for it.) 

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