Beliefs/fears surfacing when envisioning where I would like to be in five years: I will get my hopes up. I will get my hopes dashed. I can’t have what I want. I can’t have what feels important to me. What’s important for me doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t care about me. Life will pull the rug out from under me. (Again.) Life pulls the rug out from under me. It’s too good for me. What I wish for is too good for me.
It has to be hard. It has to be difficult/challenging.
I need to create problems in my life so I’m forced to look at my beliefs. I need to make people frustrated and angry with me so I’m forced to look at my beliefs.
If people see me as scary that means… They won’t like me. They won’t have a good/favorable image of me. They will look down on me. They will fear me. They will treat me differently. They won’t be my friend. They will harm me.
It’s terrible if people see me as scary.
I can’t have what I want. I can’t have what feels right for me. I end up with second best. ****
If it’s good, it will be forever. *** I will be stuck with it. I won’t move on. Life won’t move on. I need to avoid what’s good (relationships, education, work, places) so I won’t get stuck with it forever. ***
Drama is juicy. Drama makes me feel alive. **** Drama helps me mature. Drama helps me find clarity. Drama makes my life worthwhile.
Life is too easy. I need drama in my life. ***
An ordinary life is boring. *** An ordinary life won’t get me what I want,. An ordinary life won’t help me align with reality, is dull, will make me like anyone else.
A stable family life is boring. *** It’s limiting. I’ll get stuck. I won’t grow. I won’t learn.
If I am not suffering, I am missing out. If I am not in distress, I am missing something important. **** (Nostaligia for samsara.) If I am not suffering, I will miss out on attention, love, care.
Life will give up on me. Life will only give me a few opportunities. (And if I don’t take them, it’s over.)
I left my guidance. (Moving to Wisconsin.)
I’m not complete. I need proof that people like me. I’m not interesting enough. **** Something is wrong with me. I need people to be interested in me. Situation: Middle school, feeling like an outsider, not accepted/included.
There is something wrong with me. He sees what’s wrong with me, and it is….. I am not trustworthy. I am not trustworthy because…. I will never be acceptable. *** What’s not/least acceptable about me is…. ****
If I make active decisions, I am too greedy, forward, arrogant, take up too much space. If I go for what I want, they won’t like me. ***
And that means…. People will see me as arrogant. He/she won’t like me. She will see me as too forward. I won’t be able to blame life/others. I will have to take responsibility for my own decisions.
What’s wrong w it is…..
Hardship is good for me. Hardship helps me grow. Hardship helps me find clarity. Hardship is necessary. Hardship is in my future.
A beautiful and easy life is not intended for me.
It’s good to struggle. It’s noble to struggle.
There’s something missing.
I need to be saved. I need it to save me (living inquiries, the next course, the next certification). I need a woman to save me. I need a woman to be complete. I need a woman to be whole. I need a woman to have a good life. I need a woman for my life to be valuable.
I need a clear mind to have what I want (a good education, a good job, a good relationship, a good life). I need a clear mind before I can have [….]. **** I need a good income before I can have children. I need to heal more before I can have [….]. I need to mature more before I can have [….]. ***
This (education, job, woman, teacher) will save me. I need this (education, job, woman) to…. (feel safe, be myself, do this that I want).
If I am a victim, I’ll get love. ***
Love from others is better. (Than my own, for myself.) ***
I am not enough. My parent’s don’t love me. Their love is conditional. Love should look like…. If you love me, you should….. ***
If I do it for longer (kids, good relationship, work, house) I’ll be satisfied, I’ll mature.
It’s a special relationship. It’s special love. ***
I need special love.
We were meant to stay together. *** We were meant to stay connected.
She seemed to clear and uncomplicated to me. (MN in SLC)
She is too clear and uncomplicated for me. ***
If she is too clear/uncomplicated, it means….. I won’t learn, I won’t have material to grow/mature, I won’t get to see what’s left in me.
I need a challenging relationship (to see what’s left in me).
I am the victim of unreasonable women. (Sometimes, with my mother, partners, therapists.) ***
I am an innocent victim of her. ***
The relationship didn’t work out. It’s her fault it didn’t work out.
I’ll be lonely and sad in the future.
People with children are more mature than I am and they have something I don’t. Having children means I’m a good citizen. Not having children, I get the freedom of not having children while feeling like a good citizen because I want them.
I can’t have what I really want. *** Something terrible will happen if I have what I really want.
If I have what I really want…. I can’t hold onto the fantasy of something better. I will get trapped. It won’t live up to my expectation. I will be disappointed. I will lose it.
What if every decision was the right one? (Also past)
He/she is disappointed in me. My body makes me unable to do what I want.
My life is in ruins because…. (proof) I am unable to get things done. My mind doesn’t work properly. I let go of wonderful opportunities.
My life is hopeless because…. I am unable to do what’s needed to change. I am unable to change. I don’t have enough resources.
My life is over
That’s how it is, I can’t do anything about it
I need to hold onto the belief because… It will help me be engaged. It will help me take care of myself.
If I don’t hold onto the belief, it means…… I won’t protect myself. I won’t be safe. I won’t do what’s needed. I won’t get what I want.
When I am through with the dark night…. Everything will be easier. I will be home. I will have what I want. My life will be good. My life will be full. I will be more clear.
Situation: receiving email from a client
She misunderstands me
She misperceives me
I am a helpless victim