Inquiry: It’s enough to say it once

 

Some recurrent thoughts for me:

It’s enough to say it once. She won’t take me seriously anyway. She underestimates me. She thinks I am not clear on what I want. She second guesses me. It’s hopeless. I can’t convince her of anything else. My best option is to give up. I won’t correct it. I’ll punish her by saying it once, letting her go off in her own stories, and then show her she is wrong. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. I am a victim (of the situation, of her). She doesn’t trust I can take care of myself. She treats me as a victim. She tries to make me small.

Situation: My mother not taking what I say seriously. Going into her own stories about it. I give up because it seems hopeless. She won’t listen anyway. She won’t realize I am clear on what I want. She underestimates me. She doesn’t trust I can take care of myself. (This has come up with other people too, often women.)

Current situation: I offered Breema to K. (a friend), she second guessed me and thought I wanted to eat first. (While what I said was what I meant.)

Statement: It’s enough (for me) to say it once.

What happens: I feel angry. Go quiet. Want to punish her by staying quiet, and then revealing she was wrong. I harden. Go numb.

TA: It’s not enough (for me) to say it once.

She assumed I didn’t say what I wanted, so she needed me to clear it up for her.

She went into her own stories, and saying it more than once for me could have cleared it up for her.

Saying it more than once means I am taking care of myself. I meant what I said, and I can clarify that I meant what I said.

TA: It’s enough for her to say it once.

As soon as I notice she goes into her own stories, I can interrupt and clarify. It’s kind of me to correct it right away, instead of waiting. (And get resentful.)

I noticed right away what was going on. I didn’t need her to say it more than once.

TA: It’s enough for me to say it once (!)

I won’t have to repeat myself. I can say it differently.

It’s impossible for me to say it twice. I cannot if I tried.

Statement: She won’t take me seriously.

TA: She will take me seriously.

She knows me quite well. She has taken it seriously in the past. She has been receptive in the past.

TA: I won’t take me seriously.

I don’t take my own truth seriously. I don’t speak up for what’s true for me.

Statement: She underestimates me.

What happens: I imagine she underestimates me, and that’s why she second guesses what I really want. I imagine she wants to take care of me, and I feel offended and hurt.

TA: She doesn’t underestimate me.

If she thinks I sometimes doesn’t take care of my own needs, it’s true.

If she sees me as sometimes going into victim identity, it’s true.

She knows I am capable, she just wanted to check in.

Statement: I want to punish her.

TA: I don’t want to punish her.

What I really want is to be seen, understood, respected.

What I really want is for me to speak up for myself. To clarify when it seems necessary.

I don’t want to punish her. I want her to understand. I want her to realize I meant what I said. I want her to see that I am able to take care of myself.

…………

For satsang: The victim. The one being underestimated. The hurt one. ***

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