Longing and heartache from early childhood

 

As a kid, I sometimes woke up with a longing and ache in my heart area. I would get up, spend time with my parents, have a sandwich with strawberry jam, read Donald Duck comic books, spend time with friends, and nothing would work. I couldn’t find anything that satisfied the longing.

Here are some of the thoughts associated with it:

Something is missing. I am incomplete.

I need to find what completes me.

I am missing something, and I am missing how to find it.

Nobody else has it this way.

I see that when this longing and heartache comes up these days, mind sometimes puts it on situations in my more recent past, for instance my early twenties, while I also see that it goes back much further, to very early childhood. And I remember that when I had an opening (initial awakening) in my teens, there was the thought that this is what the longing was for. I can find it here and now, by finding the completeness already here. I don’t need to chase big or peak experiences to find it.

Some of the things I found when I did an inquiry on I am not complete:

TA: I am complete.

I feel complete here and now. There is a sense of fullness. Richness. Even the sensations labeled longing and heartache has a sense of completeness and fullness to them.

TA: Complete is not me.

I am much more than what the idea of “complete” can cover. It doesn’t even touch what’s here.

TA: My thinking is not complete.

When thoughts say (a) something is missing, and (b) I can find it out there in the world, it’s not complete. It doesn’t go to (c) and see if it’s already here. It doesn’t go to (c) and question those thoughts.

 

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Longing, heartache, as a kid
Tried everything, nothing works
Mind puts it on sit later on, but was there very early on
I am not complete, i am missing something
Nobody else has it this way

“I’m not complete.” I’ve tried everything I can and I don’t know what to do next. I am complete.
Nobody else has it this way.
I’m missing something and I’m missing how to find it.
TA: Complete is not me. TA: My thinking is not complete.

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