Getting to know a knot: I can’t have what I want

 

I noticed a somewhat familiar background belief today:

I can’t have what I want.

And more specifically:

I can’t have a good education, job, house, family life.

There is also an early memory associated with this:

My father seems very competent (with work, house, family life) and it seems mysterious. I have no idea how he does it. It seems unreachable to me. My father didn’t include me in how he did it. He didn’t train me. He didn’t mentor me. I picked up (and have to deal with) his shadow.

That I have already had all of those don’t really impact the belief. It’s still there at a more wordless level, at the level of images and emotions. And I sense that there is something there that the verbal beliefs I have found so far don’t quite touch.

So I hold satsang with this part of me, and myself as a child thinking/feeling that my father’s competence seems mysterious and out of reach to me.

I can also do ho’oponopono with it, and shake (neurogenic tremors, TRE) on it, and plan to later today.

Holding satsang and ho’o helps me become more familiar with it. It helps me befriend it, soften my relationship with it. It goes from being an apparent enemy, something I wish to push away and see as wrong, to something I can befriend. It’s less of an “other”, or not at all an other anymore.

Neurogenic tremors – while bringing this part of me to mind, and also the childhood situation – helps release tension associated with this, which in turn helps me befriend it, and meet it with curiosity.

All of this prepares the ground for inquiry. It feels helpful for me now, it takes some of the charge out of it which makes it easier for my mind to find curiosity and stability for the inquiry. And I also know I could very well go straight to inquiry.

First, I explore it with the Living Inquiry:

I can’t have what I want. (A good education, job, house, family life.)

Look at the words and letters. Put them, in your mind’s eye, up on a large billboard. Notice they are words and letters. Is there a real, not imagined, threat in those words and letters?

If yes, where do you feel it in the body. What are the images associated with those sensations? Put those images, in your mind’s eye, in a frame and up on a wall. Make it big. Is there a real, not imagined, threat in that image? (Then repeat the previous step.)

What are the images associated with this fear? [There is an image of me as a kid looking at my father. An image of me unable to arrive at or reach a good education, a good job, a good house, a good family life.] Look at each of those images. Put them in a frame up on the wall. Is there a real, not imagined, threat in each of the images?

Where do you feel it in the body? Look at the sensations that lends a sense of validity and truth to the previous images and words. What images do you have of those sensations? Is there a real, not imagined, threat in those images?

Bring attention to the sensations. Allow them to be there, and notice they are already allowed to be here. Is there a real, not imagined, threat in those sensations?

 Later on, I can also take specific beliefs to The Work.

For instance, I can’t have a good job and house. Is it true? What happens when you believe that thought? Who would you be without it? What is the validity in each of the turnarounds?

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– TRE – support, release tension
– satsang, ho’o – warm up, getting to know, befriend
– LI, TW – a bit further, closer exploration, allowing the basic beliefs to unravel

Example: I can’t have what I want. I can’t have a good…. (education, work, house, family life).

First memory: My father, what he did (all of those) seemed like a different world, mysterious, outside of what I could do, distanced from my life and what I can do. I was not included. I was left out. He didn’t share how he did it. He didn’t include me in how it’s done. He didn’t train me. He didn’t mentor me. I missed out.

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