Some things I may explore with the Unfindable Inquiry from the Living Inquiries:
Longing. The one who longs (for love, deep sense of rightness, home, alignment). Boomerang situation: Longing in early childhood. Remembering how it was before incarnation (infinite love, deep sense of home and rightness), and not receiving it from my parents.
Fear. The one who is afraid. Boomerang situation: Fear about the future. Seeing myself in the future, alone, on the streets (or in a small apartment), a wreck, on government support, miserable, in mental turmoil.
Doom. The one who is doomed. Boomerang situation: A sense of dread. Primal sense of dread.
Loss. The one who lost what was most important to him. The one who will lose what’s most important to him. Boomerang situation: Loss of relationships, loss of passion/clarity, loss of opportunities (education, living places that felt right, work).
The one who can’t have what he wants, what feels deeply right. Boomerang situation: As above.
Trauma. The one who is traumatized. Boomerang situation: Early childhood, not feeling deeply at home, not feeling deeply safe.
Greed. The one who is greedy if he charges for inquiry sessions. The one who is heartless. The one who is cruel. (If he charges.) Boomerang situation: Discomfort considering charging for inquiry sessions.
Money. The one who sees money as tainted. Boomerang situation: As above.
Love. The one who is unlovable. The one who is unloved. Boomerang situation: Not feeling deeply loved/safe in early childhood. Not feeling filled up with love.
Peace. Clarity. Enlightenment. The one who seeks clarity. The one who wants this experience to change. The one who wants clarity. Boomerang situation: Wishing this experience to go away, change.
The one who needs the love of a woman. The one who needs to be completed by a woman. The one who needs to be saved by a woman. The one who needs to be affirmed by the love of a woman. The one who needs to be loved by many women.
Tension. The one who is tense. Discomfort. The one who is uncomfortable. Boomerang situation: Experience discomfort when something comes up, when teaching/talking in groups.
The one who is small. The one who is immature. The one who is not an adult man. The one who is insecure. Boomerang situation: When I am around men who seem mature, adult, sure of themselves. When I am around macho men.
Reactiveness. Victim. Solar plexus contraction. The one who is a victim of crude people. The one who is a victim of people struggling with themselves. The one who is a victim of other people’s solar plexus struggles. Boomerang situation: Reacting to people who are loud, unaware of their bodies, manic, have solar plexus battles.
Unlovable. The one who is not loved. The one who is not liked. The one others are annoyed with. The one others are angry with. The one others are disappointed with. The one who is small. The one who is not an adult. Boomerang situation: When facilitating. When speaking in groups. When teaching. ****
Escape. Numbness. The one who wants to escape. The one who wants to go numb. The one who wants to be somewhere else. Boomerang situation: When facilitating. When speaking in groups. When teaching. When something uncomfortable is coming up. ****
Discomfort. Wanting it to go away. The one bothered by it. The one wanting it to go away. Boomerang situation: Uncomfortable experience, feeling in body. ***
The one who needs to feel a certain way to get things done. *** Boomerang situation: Waiting to feel a certain way – energy, zest – to get something done.
Noise. The one annoyed by noise. Boomerang situation: Noisy street. Noisy people in cafe. Noisy people on train.
Wound. Trauma. The one who has childhood wounds. The one who has a mother wound. The one who has trauma. Boomerang situation:
Confusion. The one who has confusion. Boomerang situation:
Resistance. The one who is resisting. The one who doesn’t want to. Boomerang situation: Memory from before incarnation (being told I was to incarnate in this life). Sitting besides a high-strung guy in meditation. Feeling unfairly treated by a co-worker (blamed for being unprepared when I had asked him for information to prepare and he hadn’t given it to me).
Self-destructive. The one who is self-destructive. The one who lets go of what’s good. Boomerang situation:
Anger. Fear. The one who is angry. The one who is afraid of anger. Boomerang situation: Confronting lodger in Oregon.
My most scary scenario. The one afraid of his most scary scenario. (Being alone in Norway, in a small apartment, on government support, miserable, in mental turmoil.) The one drawn to this most scary scenario. The one drawn to creating his most scary scenario. Boomerang situation:
Powerless. Frozenness. Damage. The powerless one. The paralyzed one. The frozen one. The damaged one. Boomerang situation: My mother nagging, telling my father what to do, that he didn’t do something right. He not standing up for himself. Me wanting to help and protect him, but feeling powerless and unable to do so. (Childhood, growing up.) Later, fear I have been damaged by it, internalized it, won’t have a happy and alive life. ***
Fear. Frozen. The one who has fear of speaking up in groups. The one who is afraid of being visible. The one afraid of being seen. The one who is frozen. Boomerang situation: (a) Speaking up, and be visible, in teleclass and live groups. (b) Raising my hand to answer the teacher’s question in elementary school, and one or two kids giving me a dirty look. (A thought says look of hatred.)
The little boy who froze. The little boy who felt it was safest to freeze. The little boy who didn’t want to get caught in the dynamics between my parents. The little boy feeling fear socially and at school. The panicked one. Panic.
Damage. The one who is damaged. Pressure. The world pressing in on me. The one wanting to vanish. The one not fit for this world. The one damaged by my family. My mother putting pressure on my father. I am the only one like this. I am different. Shame. I am ashamed for being damaged. I am ashamed for being socially awkward. Situation: These came up in a session with a senior facilitator (Fiona).
The one who has it worse than others. The one who is more damaged than others. The one who is uniquely damaged. The one who is different. The one who is a mess.
Doom. The one who is doomed.**** The one who will be alone. The one who will live in poverty. The one who will live alone in a government subsidized apartment. The one who will be in mental turmoil. The one who will suffer. The one who won’t be able to function.****
Anger. The one afraid of anger. The angry one.
Emotional pain. The one with emotional pain. The one resisting emotional pain.
Sound. Disturbing sound. (Eating, breathing, traffic, loud voices, loud music, newspaper turning, brushing teeth loudly.) Sound sensitivity. The one sensitive to sound. Boomerang situation: Any loud sound, people talking loudly, loud music, traffic noise.
The one who feels small. The one who feels like a baby. The one who feels like a kid. The one others see through. The one afraid of being found out. The imposter. The child pretending to be an adult. Boomerang situation: When I facilitated a certified facilitator for feedback.
The one who feels isolated. The one who feels he doesn’t belong. The one who feels scared. The one who feels paralyzed. The one who is not fit for this world. The one who is uniquely flawed. Boomerang situation: (a) Raising my hand in class in elementary school, and some boys giving me “the look”. (b) Suggesting something we can do, the others dismissing it, someone else suggesting the same a few minutes later, and everyone saying it’s a great idea. (In elementary and middle school.)
Resistance. The one who is unable to get things done. Boomerang situation: Not getting to things on my list.
Avoidance. The one avoiding what’s here. Discomfort. The one avoiding an uncomfortable emotion. Boomerang situation: When some emotions or feelings come up.
The one who is doomed. The one who is doomed to make poor decisions. The one who is doomed to live out the most scary scenario. The one who is doomed to a downward spiral. (Alone, small apartment, government support, mental turmoil, regret, suffering, downward spiral in all areas of life.)
Rebel. The rebel. The one angry at life/God. The one who doesn’t want to do it. The one who doesn’t want to heal, mature and find clarity. The one who doesn’t want to follow inner guidance. Boomerang situation: Not liking when life set up situations where I get to see what’s left. I don’t like the setup. I don’t like the sense of being told what to do. I don’t like the sense of something wiser than me setting up situations with an invitation for me to heal and find love and clarity. It feels condescending. I also don’t like it when my guidance tells me something else than what my personality wants. I don’t want to do it.
Fear. The one fearful in groups. The one paralyzed in groups. The one frozen in groups. The one terrified in groups. The one who loses his head in groups. The one who panics in groups. Boomerang situation: Raising hand in elementary school, some boys giving me “the look”. Being put on the spot by the teacher. Asked to answer a question. Asked to do math on the black board.
Ex-partners. The one who lost something wonderful. The one who messed up. The one who made a poor decision. The one who will never have a good lasting relationship. The one who missed out. Boomerang situation: Regretting relationships ending. Regretting going into a relationship.
Facilitator. The one who is a facilitator. The one who is a bad facilitator. The one who is a good facilitator. Boomerang situation: Facilitating the LIs.
Deficiency story. The one who has a deficiency story. Deficiency. The one who is deficient. Core wound. *** The one who has a core wound. Boomerang situation: Doing the LIs.
Scott Kiloby. Adyashanti. Byron Katie. A.H. Almaas. Genpo Roshi. The one who is enlightened. The one who is clear. The one who is not enlightened. The one who is unclear. The one who is confused. No-self. The one who has a self. The one who has a no-self. Boomerang situation: Comparing myself with teachers.
Love. Appreciation. Sex. The one who will be fulfilled through sex. The one fulfilled by being loved. The one made whole by a woman. The one who will be completed by a woman. The one who needs a relationship. The one who is not complete without a woman. The one who needs to be affirmed by a woman. Boomerang situation:
Money. The one who doesn’t deserve to make money. The one who is unable to make lots of money. The one holding back around money. Boomerang situation: Considering charging for facilitation.
The one they don’t like. The one my mother don’t like. The one they’ll see through. The one with a secret. The one who is a little kid. The one uniquely flawed. Boomerang situation: Elementary school when raised my hand and other boys gave me “the look”. They ignored me when we were in a group outside of school. My mother yelling at me. Freezing when doing math on the blackboard.
Existence. The one who doesn’t want to exist. The one who wants to be invisible. The one who doesn’t want to be seen. The one who feels life is too much. Boomerang situation: When life feels too much. When I feel put on the spot in public.
Ghosts. The one afraid of ghosts. Boomerang situation: Remembering this fear from childhood, and having some surface now when I am considering visiting one of the (apparently!) most haunted places in England at night.
Anger. The angry one. The one they are angry at. The one who can’t deal with anger. The one they see through. The one who doesn’t know what he is doing. The one they dismiss. The one there is something wrong with. The one who is seriously flawed. The one who is uniquely flawed. The one who is small. The one who is five years old. The child pretending to be an adult. The one incapable of being a good facilitator. The scared one. Boomerang situation: Facilitating inquiry. Facilitating a skeptical client. Presenting something to a skeptical person or group.
Brain fog. Confusion. Freeze. Paralyzed. Depression. Emotional pain. Aloneness. Doom. Bleak future. Loss. Freezing/panicking in public. Fear of success. Fear of having what I want. Fear of being healthy in mind and body. Fear of not being able to function. Fear of the best scenario for my life. Fear of the worst scenario for my life.
Rage. Rage against life. Anger. Fear of anger. Fear of rage. I didn’t ask for this. I refuse to mature and find clarity through these situations. I hate life (God, Spirit) for putting me in this situation. ****
Victim. Complaints. Downward spiral.
Contraction in throat. Contraction in calves.
The one who can’t have what he wants.
Noise. The unconscious one. The brutal one. The unaware one.
Personal will. The doer. The observer. The me that’s doing. The me that’s observing.
I am a fraud. I don’t know what I am doing. They’ll see through me. They’ll see I don’t know what I am doing.
My client will get angry at me. Frustrated with me. See me as incompetent. Want to go somewhere else. Boomerang situation: Facilitating a client.
Doom scenario. Alone in Norway, government support, no prospects, despondent, regret, grief, mental torment. Doomed. Destitute. Alone.
Embarrased. Mortified. Humiliated. I will suffocate and die. I am doing something illegal. Boomerang situation: Going to a Star Wars movie when I was eight or nine years old, and the movie had a 12 year age requirement. I felt I was doing something illegal. During the fight scene between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, I got a hard candy stuck in my throat and felt I couldn’t breathe. I was coughing and gasping for air right in the front of a large movie theater. I had to go all the way to the back to leave the room, and went to the man in the ticket booth to get help. I felt I was going to suffocate and die. A throat contraction keeps coming up in my sessions, and it may have something to do with this situations. There was a lot going on at once there.
Sensitivity. The sensitive one. The one that is impacted by other’s energy (struggle). The one annoyed by noise (traffic, newspapers).
Threat in feeling good. Threat in functioning well. Threat in being successful. Threat in having a good life. Threat in having what I want.
Overwhelm. Threat in emails. Threat in letters. Threat in PhD. Threat in a good life.
Who am I to direct her? Control the session? Think I know how it’s done? Boomerang situation: Facilitating clients in inquiry.
Being judged. Being blamed for what white people have done to black people. Guilt. Shame. Desire to be liked and seen as OK. Boomerang situation: When I talk with African-Americans.
The witch. Falling into a witch’s cauldron. Boomerang situation: Recurrent childhood dream.
Wanting to be liked. Wanting to be loved. Wanting approval.
Peace. Clarity. Satisfaction. Contentment. Wholeness. Also…. Productivity. Success. Achievement Skilled Admired.
Productivity. Worthy through productivity. Can’t rest. Not productive enough in finding clarity, helping knots release.
Fragile. Emotionally fragile.
Dark night. Dark night of the soul. Honeymoon phase. Initial awakening. Awakening. Clarity. Confusion. Identification. Release from identification.
Future. Past. Present. Time. Space. Body. My future. My past. My present. This space. This body.
I need the right woman to not be doomed. I need to be saved from being doomed. Life has doomed me. Life has a plan for me to see through my confusion. (And it involves being doomed.)
Longing. Mother. Safety. My mother didn’t give me the deep sense of love and safety I wanted.
Fear of the dark, ghosts. Fear of heights, anger, confrontation.
Anger. Rage. Hard. Cold. Cold rage.
Doom. Doom scenario. (Alone, gov support, misery, mental turmoil.) My cousin. (Stroke in his teens, now alone, on welfare, small apartment. Me, as a kid, afraid of it.)
Unloved. Missing out. Losing what’s most important to me.
Sensations. Sight. Taste. Smell. Hearing. Awareness. Me. I. Observer. Doer. Human self.
Longing for home. Home. The one longing for home. The one who is not home. The one who needs the right woman to be home. The one who needs the right woman for everything to fall into place. Boomerang situation 1: Waking up in the morning, longing for home, as a child. Flashbacks to home. (Before incarnation. Infinite love. Golden light. Infinite sense of being home.)
I don’t matter. My life doesn’t matter. I am unloved. I am unlovable. My life has no impact. People are not impacted by me. ***
Being set up. Life setting me up. (So I get to see what’s left.) Anger at life. I don’t want to. Rage at life.
Unlovable. Unloved. My mother didn’t love me enough. I didn’t fill up on love. I needed to do [certain things] to be liked. I needed to be good at school to be liked. I needed to be cool to be liked. I needed to do certain things to be OK. I needed the approval of others.
I fail at failing. I resist too much. I struggle too much. I don’t surrender enough. I am unable to surrender. I am unable to give my life over to God. I am a difficult case. I haven’t arrived. I need to arrive. (At lasting surrender. Lasting peace. Lasting clarity.) ****
Adolescent. Moody. Demanding. Blame. Boomerang situation: Some adolescent patterns seem to surface these days.
PhD is too good for me. Family is too good for me. A nice house is too good for me. A good job is too good for me. A happy life is too good for me. ***
Look for (UI) …. Words. Images. Sensations. (Taste. Smell. Sight. Sound. Touch.) Awareness. Rest. Identification. Body. Me. I. Observer. Doer. ****
I am uniquely flawed. Nothing works for me. Something is irreparably wrong with me. My life is a failure. I am uniquely blessed. I am the chosen one. I am exempt from life’s troubles. ****
Being judged. They’ll talk about me behind my back. They’ll reject me. They’ll laugh at me. They will see I am nervous. They’ll judge me for being nervous. I can’t be myself. I am paralyzed by fear. Boomerang situation: Speaking up in groups.
Arrive. Arrive at lasting clarity. Arrive at lasting peace. Arrive at lasting safety. Find lasting peace. Find lasting clarity. Happy ever after. Stability. Absence of unease. Absence of discomfort.
Mind. Words. Images. Sensations. Personality. Inquiry. Awareness.
Resistance. Block. Aversion. Avoiding. Fight. Flight. Freeze. Escape. The need to escape.
Protection. Armour. Dangerous world. Dangerous people. Hostility. Anger. Danger. ****
Dark night. I am not doing it right. I am not meditating enough. I am not supporting the process.
Anger at life. Rage at life. The accumulated injustice over my lifetime. Surrender. Refusal to surrender. I don’t want to give life the satisfaction of me surrendering. Self-destructive. Self-destructive impulse. Drawn to tragedy. Drawn to self-destruction. ***
Perfection. Need to do it perfectly. Imperfection. Failure. Fail.
Status. Prestige. High status work. Low status work. Admired. Admired person. Look down at. Despised. Laughed at. ****
Internet. Connection. Sense of connection through internet. Likeminded people. Connected with likeminded people. Anger when internet fails.
I hate the world. I hate myself. I hate others. Others will judge me. Others make my life miserable. Life makes my life miserable. Life sets me up to fail. **** (Through inquiry, I notice a freedom to admit these thoughts in myself, and feel and explore them.)
I am exempt from the troubles of life. Life is here to do me favors. I am uniquely flawed. I am uniquely blessed. **** Boomerang situation: I notice I feel I should be treated differently from how I see others are treated. Life should treat me more gently, more kindly. Life should give me what I want.
The one being judged. The ones judging. Boomerang situations: Elementary school. In groups. Group calls. ****
The one in opposition to life. The one resisting the process. The one holding back. The one in the grip of fear. ****
Wreck. Victim. Chosen. Hero.
Uncomfortable feeling. Discomfort. I want it to go away. I don’t want to feel it. ****
The cause of the pain. The cause of my misery. The cause of my failure. The cause of confusion. ***
Trying. Effort. Pushing. Resistance. ***
God’s will. My will. Or…. Life’s will. Ego. ***
Misunderstood. Misperceived. Unfairly treated. Boomerang situation: (a) As child, being made a scapegoat by schoolmates and my brother. (b) With SS. (c) With the school job. ****
Lack of trust. Trust. Hesitant. Insecure. Lack of trust in life. Lack of trust in God. ****
I am not free to speak. They will judge me if I speak my honest truth. Something terrible will happen if I speak up. Boomerang situation: (a) School, dirty looks when I raised my hand to answer the teacher’s question. (b) Dream. Anarchist in Russia ca. 1860s. I spoke up against some in the group who wanted to use violence, and said I would go public if they were going through with it. I was shot. *****
I am not doing it right. I am doing the Dark Night wrong. I should surrender more fully. Others surrender more fully. I should do insight meditation. Others do their practice better than me. I should meditate. Others get through it faster. I have too much trauma. Others have less trauma. I am getting caught in the fear and pain. I have too much fear. Others relate to their fear and pain better. Others love their fear and pain. Others meditate through their fear and pain. Others see through their fear and pain. I don’t love my fear and pain enough. I haven’t seen through my fear and pain enough. I am not practicing enough. I am wasting my time. I am drifting. I have lost my bearings. I am caught in a struggle with my dark night. I will never get through it. It won’t get through it successfully. Why am I not able to fully surrender? Why am I not able to see through it sufficiently? Boomerang situation: A dark night of the soul that has lasted a long time. ****
Money. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of being trapped in a job (I don’t like). Fear of wasting my life in a job I don’t like. Fear of not being able to support myself (due to CFS). Boomerang situation: Seeing my father working 8am-4pm every day. Sense that he was trapped. (Even if he enjoyed it.) ****
It’s safer to hold back. It’s safer to not be seen. It’s safer to stay soft. It’s safer to not take a lead. It’s safer to not be strong. Insecurity. Holding back. Judged. Attacked. Frozen out. Dirty look. Hated. Shunned. Avoided. *****
Meaning. Look for meaning. ****
The one who is not relaxed. The one who is self-conscious. The one who is tense. ****
The one who was bullied. The one who didn’t fit in. Awkward. Disliked. Actively disliked. Boomerang situation: Being bullied in elementary and middle school. ****
Stuck. Trapped. Boomerang: Trapped in my childhood situation, with my parents. (The tension between them. My mother nagging. My father being tense and angry under the surface.) ****
Throat. Calves. Holding my breath back. (Speaking freely? Grounding? Fear?) Neck. ****
A few things relating to the chronic fatigue:
Fatigue. Tiredness. Brain fog. Paralyzed. Numb. The one who is [….]. Boomerang situation 1: 15 years old, flu (epstein barr), hearing my mother nagging, feeling powerless (wanting to protect my father). Boomerang situation 2: Lodger, house in Oregon, syringes outside the window, refuses to pay and to leave, angry, saw through me and my fear. Boomerang situation 3: Fear of the CF, fear of getting worse.
And some things for the Compulsion Inquiry:
Command for the experience to go away. Command for me to find peace with it. Command to not feel (emotional, physical) pain. Command to feel what’s here. Command to meet what’s here with love. Command to not suffer. Command to suffer. Command to escape discomfort. Command to not escape discomfort. ****
Command to show I am in pain. Command to show I am suffering. Command to be victim. Command to be pitied. Command to not be a victim. Command to not be pitied. Command to not be weak. Command to be strong. Command to be in control. (From childhood.) *****
Love. Approval. Love from women who remind me of my mother. ****
Control. UI/CI on control.
Compelled to seek relationships that are challenging. (To heal old pain?) An ordinary relationship is not compelling enough. (Not real, valid.) ****
Command to believe thought, not feel, drama, suffer from emotional or physical pain, be in pain, exist, be safe, not believe thought, not escape pain, avoid discomfort, not avoid discomfort. ***
Command to understand. Command to know. ****
Command to stay small. Command to stay invisible. Command to shrink my life. *****
Command to be healthy. Command to be productive. *****
Command to do meditation. Command to not do meditation. ****
Command to not be disliked. Command to not be alone. Command to not be shunned. ****
Command to not feel fear. Command to not follow fear. Command to feel fear. Command to meet fear with love. ****
Command to not follow guidance. Command to follow guidance. Command to chose relationship over inner guidance. ****
Distraction. Going to internet, food, conversation, nature, photography for distraction. Clarity. Enlightenment. Complaining. Stress. Annoyance. (Especially around noise, people with inner struggle.) Love. Seeking love from others. Seeking love from women. Seeking approval. Seeking appreciation.
Victim of life. Being small. Staying safe. (By being small.) Fear of being judged. Self-hatred. Fear of missing out. ****
Core wound. Awareness. Love. Healing. Confusion. Thoughts. Sensations. (Feelings, energy.) Images. Mind. Ego. Cause. Effect. ****
Incarnation trauma. Part of me not wanting to leave the heavenly realm, and I didn’t acknowledge it or give it voice. It loves Spirit deeply, and also feel deeply hurt, unseen, unloved, angry.
Future: Doom. Alone. Poverty.
Future 2: A future relationship. Heavy. Struggle. With someone I am not completely compatible with. Feels off. Heavy. Struggle. (From my parents.) Fear of it being this way.
Fear of speaking up for what I want. Fear of going for what I want. Fear of being seen as selfish. Resentment towards others who are more forward.
Relationships. Loss of relationship. Fear of relationship. Fear of being alone. Fear of missing out. Fear of not finding the right one. Being completed in a relationship.
Meaninglessness. Depression. Emptiness.
Fear about the future. Conviction I’ll be a failure, unhappy. See myself as unable to work. Unable to be successful. Alone. On government support. (All after the CFS.) Lack of confidence. Lack of trust. ****
Note: There is a reason it’s called Living Inquiries. It’s an inquiry into what’s alive here and now, not what was written down in a list some time ago. Still, it feels helpful to write these things down. At the very least, it gives my mind some peace. It doesn’t have to try to remember it. It’s already written down. (And it will come up and be alive here now if there is still a charge around it. Noticing what’s here is really all that’s needed.)