Things will continue to fall apart until the death is complete. All this is taking to you to a place where there is absolute freedom, where the personal self sense has dissolved. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help to get the basic human needs met. That is all part of love and truth. [….]
When this happened to me all I could do was pray to God to receive the gifts of this pain and suffering and see it as God’s grace and path to Christ. It is hard, but it is the truth and the way through…Surrender, surrender, surrender, throw yourself body, mind, soul, spirit into God’s hands. Remember Christ’s last words on the cross..”Father, into your hands I commend my spirit!” Love, Barry
– Barry, in an email to me.
I have gone through a period where things seem to fall apart, often in amazing ways and (largely) outside of my control. It’s happened especially strongly the last 2-3 years, although it started earlier. It’s part of the dark night of the soul that I seem to go through.
These days, I notice a deeper rage and anger towards life, God, and perhaps – from my younger self – towards my parents. It’s probably an anger that has accumulated over a long time, and it feels very much like the rebellious and desperate tantrum of a child. It seems to be a hopeless, desperate anger. There are also thoughts such as: I didn’t ask for this. I refuse to be “taught lessons” in this way. I refuse to mature and find clarity if it’s going to happen through these situations.
Here is the overall picture in a nutshell again:
(a) Childhood and teenage years: Atheist, although with an occasional interest in things that goes outside of our conventional views on the world.
(b) Age fifteen: A year where it seems I was “absorbed into the witness”. The world seemed distant, and I thought something was seriously wrong. This may have been a dark night of the senses.
(c) Age sixteen: Illumination, initial opening and awakening. Spirit awoke to itself as all there is.
(d) Late teens and early twenties: A very intense period of reorganization and realignment, and the initial head center awakening included a heart center awakening. There was a sense of everything falling into place, and I followed my guidance and heart closely most of the time.
(e) Late twenties and early thirties: The beginning of the dark night of the soul. This started when I left my guidance and moved (due to a relationship) to somewhere that felt very wrong at a deep level.
(f) Mid-thirties: A darkening of the dark night, following six months of what seemed a clear non-dual awakening. This has included health challenges (CFS), losses (or relationships, opportunities, places etc.), and things in general looking very good and then falling apart in amazing ways – both large and everyday smaller situations.